LIZ WRITES ABOUT ALLIE’S THERAPY SESSION

THIS IS LIZ. YESTERDAY OUR THERAPY SESSION WAS SO INTENSE. IT STARTED OFF WITH ALLIE COMING OUT. SHE HAD A LOT TO SAY TO EILEEN. WE’D HAD A BAD NIGHT THE NIGHT BEFORE. NIGHTMARES, LOTS OF SWITCHING BETWEEN INSIDERS, ANXIETY, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF HARM URGES, YOU NAME IT. I’M THE ONE WHO HAD SELF HARM URGES AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. BUT ALLIE AND SOME OF THE OTHER KIDS WERE VERY SCARED FROM WAKING UP FROM NIGHTMARES. ALSO THEY WERE ANXIOUS AND WHEN THE KIDS ARE ANXIOUS WE ALL TEND TO BE ANXIOUS. SO EILEEN AND ALLIE TALKED ABOUT ALL THAT FOR A GOOD 15 MINUTES. THEN EILEEN TOLD ALLIE SHE’D BE GOING AWAY AGAIN AT THE END OF THE MONTH. AND THAT NEWS SENT US SPIRALING. ALLIE STARTED CRYING AND SAID BUT YOU ONLY WENT AWAY, YOU JUST GOT BACK, WHY ARE YOU GOING AWAY AGAIN? ITS NOT CHRISTMAS AND ITS NOT EASTER. WHY DO YOU NEED TO GO? I DONT WANT YOU TO GO? TO WHICH EILEEN SAID I KNOW, I GET THAT. BUT MAYBE ITS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT NEEDING TO RECHARGE MY BATTERIES. TAKE A LITTLE TIME OFF SO I CAN BE FULLY PRESENT AND THERE FOR YOU AND THE REST OF MY CLIENTS WHEN YOU NEED ME TO BE. ALLIE STILL WAS JUST SO UPSET. EILEEN MADE THE MISTAKE OF SAYING BUT THATS WEEKS AWAY YET. TO WHICH ALLIE SAID BUT WE NEED TO PREPARE NOW! YOU DONT GET IT ITS WEEKS AWAY BUT WE NEED TO BUILD OURSELVES UP FOR THIS. DONT YOU UNDERSTAND WE CANT LIVE IN THE PRESENT AND ENJOY YOU BEING HERE NOW BECAUSE WE’RE NERVOUS ABOUT YOU GOING AWAY? WHY ARE YOU NERVOUS, EILEEN SAID. I’M NERVOUS BECAUSE I’M WORRYING ABOUT YOU, ALLIE REPLIED. I WORRY SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. I WORRY IF YOUR IN THE COUNTRY OR OUT OF THE COUNTRY, IF YOUR ON A PLANE WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN. DO YOU KNOW I’M COMING BACK, EILEEN SAID SOFTLY. NO! WHAT IF YOU DONT! ALLIE CRIED. DR. BARRY WENT AWAY LAST WEEK AND SHE DIDNT COME BACK YET. I HAVENT SEEN HER YET. AND I NEED HER. AND I AM SAD AND FEEL SO ALONE. I WANTED HER TO STAY HERE NOT TO GO AWAY BUT SHE WENT AWAY ANYWAY. PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE ME! EILEEN HUGGED HER TIGHT. I’M NOT LEAVING, SWEETIE. I’M JUST TAKING A BREAK. I’LL BE BACK, YOU’LL SEE. DR. BARRY WILL BE BACK TOO, DO YOU KNOW DR. BARRYS COMING BACK? TEARS WERE STREAMING DOWN ALLIE’S FACE BY THIS TIME. I, I, I DID SOMETHING BAD LAST WEEK WHEN DR. BARRY WENT AWAY, BECAUSE I WAS MAD. I WANTED TO SHOW PEOPLE HOW UPSET I WAS. I WANTED THEM TO RING DR. BARRY, I WANTED THEM TO HAVE TO CALL HER AND SAY I NEEDED HER AND THEN SHE’D HAVE TO COME BACK. WHAT DID YOU DO? I, I STOPPED EATING. I WOULDNT GO DOWN FOR DINNER OR TEA. WERE YOU HUNGRY? YEAH, BUT I DIDNT CARE. I WANTED THE NURSES TO NOTICE I WAS HURTING. I WANTED THEM TO SEE I NEEDED DR. BARRY. I WANTED THEM TO KNOW WE WERE STRUGGLING. BUT NOBODY NOTICED. WELL THEY DID NOTICE THAT I WASNT EATING, BUT THEY DIDNT CALL DR. BARRY. THEY DIDNT TELL HER AND SHE DIDNT COME BACK. SO YOU HURT YOURSELF, YOU PUNISHED YOURSELF, BUT REALLY YOU WERE TRYING TO SHOW THEM YOU WERE HURTING? YEAH, I GUESS SO. ALLIE, DO YOU KNOW ITS OK TO TALK ABOUT IT. WE’RE TALKING ABOUT IT NOW AND NOTHING BAD IS HAPPENING. ITS OK TO TALK ABOUT THE BIG FEELINGS. DO YOU KNOW THAT? ALLIE WENT QUIET. SHE SAT VERY STILL FOR A FEW MINUTES. THEN SHE REACHED OUT HER HAND TO EILEEN. THEY SAT HOLDING HANDS AND EILEEN JUST BREATHED WITH HER FOR A WHILE. THATS IT ALLIE, BREATHE, ITS OK, JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS, YOUR OK. I’M HERE, AND DR. BARRY WILL BE BACK. I PROMISE YOU SHE’S COMING BACK. AND WHEN I LEAVE TO GO ON HOLIDAYS, I PROMISE I’LL BE BACK TOO. HOW OLD DOES THE PART OF YOU THAT LONGS FOR US FEEL? I DONT KNOW, 3 OR 4? YES, THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING. THAT 3 OR 4 YEAR OLD PART OF YOU CANT BE SOOTHED. SHE NEEDS TO HAVE HELP WITH BEING SOOTHED. AND I’M HERE TO HELP HER AND SO IS DR. BARRY. BUT DO YOU KNOW OTHER INSIDERS CAN HELP HER TOO? THEY CAN SUPPORT YOU WITH THIS AND I CAN SUPPORT YOU TOO. THAT 3 OR 4 YEAR OLD PART JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED. SHE IS SAD AND INSECURE AND AFRAID AND ALONE AND JUST LONGS TO BE LOVED AND CARED ABOUT. I CARE ABOUT HER. AND GIVING ALLIE ANOTHER HUG, SHE SAID SOFTLY, I THINK ITS TIME FOR YOU TO GO INSIDE AND LET SOMEONE OLDER COME OUT, YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED AND DRAINED. I AM, ALLIE SAID SOFTLY. LOVE YOU EILEEN, I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT YOU TOO SWEETHEART, EILEEN SAID TO ALLIE. I GUESS SHE CANT SAY SHE LOVES US. MAYBE THATS NOT ETHICAL? I DONT KNOW. BUT AFTER THAT ALLIE WENT INSIDE AND I CAME OUT. AND I’LL WRITE PART TWO LATER TODAY.
LIZ

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

2 thoughts on “LIZ WRITES ABOUT ALLIE’S THERAPY SESSION”

  1. Hi Liz! 🙂
    It’s very good that Allie could talk to Eileen and tell her about her feelings. It’s so sad that Eileen must go on holidays, I mean it’s very good for Eileen, but it’s so hard for Allie. I’m sorry that you all had so terrible night and that you had suicidal thoughts. I hope that Allie will cope with Eileen’s absence as well and easily as it is possible. And I hope you will sleep well today and without nightmares or any destructive thoughts.
    Lots of hugs for you and for Allie.
    Emilia

    Liked by 1 person

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