Attachment pain

i feel like crap. everything came to a head a few minutes ago. i’d been having flashbacks all morning. i was shaking violently and feeling nausious, like I was going to be sick. I couldnt even eat dinner I felt that bad.

After lunch I asked for a PRN haldol. The nurses were hesitant about giving it to me. One of them came in and was like did you try everything else? And I was like for fuck sake, well in my head I said it, I wouldnt ask if it wasnt an emergency. Idont take these drugs lightly. I dont even want to be relying on them.

Then a second nurse came in and I told her i was going to ask for one yesterday but then I pushed through and didnt ask in the end. She wanted to know why and I told her honestly it was because I wasnted/needed to be ok for my mom. I told her today just wasnt a good day and I really thought the haldol would help.

No such luck. They finally gave me 5 MG of haldol but it did absolutely nothing. I still feel as bad now as I did when I took it 3 hours ago. In fact I feel even worse.

About an hour ago I went out to the nurses station and asked my named nurse amanda if i could have a chat to her. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she’d be in to me. That never materialised. So then I was left feeling like no one cared. I didnt matter. I was just inconveniencing everyone. It didnt matter how I was feeling, I am bad for wanting attention. I am taking up to much time and space and I need to die.

I lay on my bed in tears. I wanted dr. barry. I wanted her to sit with me, because, she gets it. And she gets me. I wanted her more than anything or anyone. I cried because she wasnt here. I cried because I was hurting. I cried because the flashbacks were so bad. I cried for the little parts who were struggling so much with dr. Barrys absence.

I eventually decided to try to go out to the nurses station again. A student nurse Jenny whose been extremely good to me since I came in asked me if I was ok. I disolved into tears and said no. She came in to my bedspace and talked to me. I told her I wanted dr. Barry. I told her it felt like Amanda didnt care. She reassured me that the nurses all did care about me. That they’d been very busy but that they were here and would talk to me if I needed them. And now that dr. Barry is away for a week, I should trust them and try to reach out to them. I was like I dont know! I still want dr. Barry because she gets it. No one understands the severity of the flashbacks.

She said that she was running a quiz and did I want to join in. First I said no, but then she said I didnt have to participate that I could just sit by her and be present during it so I said I would go. Then I told her that I felt suicidal. She tried to make me promise that I wouldnt hurt myself. I couldnt. I’d be lying if I did. So I didnt.

I guaranteed my safety just until the quiz was over and we could talk again. Then she left me on my bed still feeling like crap. A couple of minutes later amanda came in. We talked a little and she told me I could fight this. I told her she had no idea how difficult it was. She said I needed to challenge my thinking. Yeah, whatever, easier said than done.

I told her I miss dr. Barry a lot already and she hasnt even been gone a day. She didnt get the intensity of the attachment to dr. Barry. But I didnt expect her to. Its just awful. I just miss her so much.

I just want her to reassure me I’m ok. This will pass. Someone understands what its like for me. Someone gets it. I might ask Jenny if she has the perfume dr. Barry wears with her. If she does maybe she will let me spray some on my teddy bear. It would be comforting.

I could really use some support. I’m really struggling today.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

25 thoughts on “Attachment pain”

  1. Carol Anne, I have been following you for a few weeks. Although our diagnoses are different, I identify with you – especially around issues of wishing the pain could just go away. I have been in the hospital. I know the frustration of wishing the nurses, the environment there, would be a cure-all, and meet your every need. It sounds like some of the nurses are truly good ones, and want to help you as best they can. I am so sorry for your suffering. I live in America, but through your blog, and your writings, I can relate. I do not have experience with trauma, as you sadly do. But I will support you in any ways I can. I know you miss Dr. Barry terribly. She really really cares about you.
    Take care of yourself, as best you can. I know you are struggling mightily.
    The asking for prn Haldol was brave of you. Sometimes in the hospital, patients and staff do not see eye to eye on issues.
    For what it is worth, Carol Anne, I hear you, and wish to be supportive, as best I can, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Leslie. Can I email you? I’d like to keep in touch by email as well as on the blog. I appreciate your comments. What part of America do you live in? It’s great that you follow me and commented, I love getting feedback from my readers

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      1. Okay thanks I will, and you can always feel free to comment on any of my posts on here. Thank you for your friendship I really appreciate the support you give me on here

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  2. I hear you, Carol anne and I’m so sorry you’re having such a crap day today. I am thinking of you but I’m having a bad day myself and don’t feel able to write/help much. I will try to catch up with some of your posts tomorrow. I will be thinking of you the rest of the day and just hope things get a bit better as the evening comes. {{Hugs}}, Ellie xxx ❤

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  3. Hey my friend, I am sorry you are struggling so much. I get how painful flashbacks can be as I have been dealing with the intrusiveness of my father’s death the last few days. I guess you can say it was traumatic as it happened fairly quickly. It was like he was okay on Wednesday, Friday he was like in a coma, and by Monday he died. I still remember my sister breaking down the whole time while she called various people to let them know he passed.

    Anyways, I got a new bluetooth headphone set. I really like this one because it’s sleek. It’s over the ears so the buds don’t pop out. I hate that with the current wired ones I have. Amazon had a deal going on and I couldn’t pass it up.

    Have you tried listening to music as a distraction? I find that helps when I am in PTSD land. Sorry the Haldol isn’t working for you. I bet it’s because you are so keyed up it can’t work the way it should. I find that when I am wicked anxious not even the ativan can touch me sometimes. I’m around if you need to chat. Hugs my friend

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    1. That’s it, I’m to keyed up, I know it, I am going to try and listen to music after I have eaten something, I need to try and eat I haven’t eaten all day, my blood sugars are very on stable because of it. Thanks for your support. I’m sorry you’re struggling to with your fathers death. I’m here if you need anything XXX

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  4. im so pissed off on your behalf that the nurses argued with you about getting your DR ORDERED prn haldol. That is not their call if you insist. Aargh! I am so sorry you were having such a time with the flashbacks, and the nurse didn’t follow thru on visiting with you! You are right, you should have been heard and validated. I understand they get busy, but you are just as important as any other patient needing attention.

    I hope this doesn’t repeat itself today, and that you have a great day today instead. sending happy thoughts your way!

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  5. So sorry that you’re having so terrible day! 😦 It wasn’t kind of the nurses to argue with you, it wasn’t kind of Amanda to leave you alone (OK, I get she could be busy, but even though she could just come and tell that she’ll be able to talk with you later, just to show that she cares about you). It’s horrible that Haldol didn’t helped you, I was sure it would help at least a bit. It’s so hard that you’ve no one around you who gets you fully, well it’s difficult, ’cause not everyone struggles with such kind of things and sometimes whatever they say will be not enough, but it’s so hard when you haven’t anyone really understanding, I know that it really might make you feel alone. Even when people are generally supportive. I wish so much it could be easier for you. I’m still thinking of you and will be and I’m still around if it could help you anyhow.
    Lots of hugs and support from me and Misha.

    I hope you’ll be at least able to sleep well, maybe a dose of a good sleep will make you feel better, it often makes me feel better when I feel awful.

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  6. Yeah it’s good idea. Sleep is one of better things in this world. It’s a pity that you haven’t Nitro with you, it’s always easier to sleep with someone dear to you beside you. At least I love to sleep with Misha near me, I feel so safe then. Hope you’ll have some beautiful dreams, dreaming is even better than just sleeping. ::) And I’d still try to distract as well as I can if I were in your situation.
    Sleep well. 🙂

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  7. Hello manyofus1980, I understand your flashbacks and how extreme this is. I understand your problems with trust and attachment. You are not alone in this. I can feel your struggle in this. This is one of the most difficult things in DID to try to understand what is going on and how you react, feel, wish and desire… you’re in the middle of it. Hang on, its all part of the process to feel better. I hope you do better soon, I wish you and your littles so much the power for it. Jim

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  8. Hey girl! I’m praying for you, your flashbacks to fade and for you to feel comforted. I’m sorry for your pain and struggle with Dr Barry being gone. I get that; it doesn’t make it easier, but I hope you feel relief soon! Keep asking for what you need- it’s so hard for us, but so very important!! 💛

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