i feel like crap. everything came to a head a few minutes ago. i’d been having flashbacks all morning. i was shaking violently and feeling nausious, like I was going to be sick. I couldnt even eat dinner I felt that bad.
After lunch I asked for a PRN haldol. The nurses were hesitant about giving it to me. One of them came in and was like did you try everything else? And I was like for fuck sake, well in my head I said it, I wouldnt ask if it wasnt an emergency. Idont take these drugs lightly. I dont even want to be relying on them.
Then a second nurse came in and I told her i was going to ask for one yesterday but then I pushed through and didnt ask in the end. She wanted to know why and I told her honestly it was because I wasnted/needed to be ok for my mom. I told her today just wasnt a good day and I really thought the haldol would help.
No such luck. They finally gave me 5 MG of haldol but it did absolutely nothing. I still feel as bad now as I did when I took it 3 hours ago. In fact I feel even worse.
About an hour ago I went out to the nurses station and asked my named nurse amanda if i could have a chat to her. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she’d be in to me. That never materialised. So then I was left feeling like no one cared. I didnt matter. I was just inconveniencing everyone. It didnt matter how I was feeling, I am bad for wanting attention. I am taking up to much time and space and I need to die.
I lay on my bed in tears. I wanted dr. barry. I wanted her to sit with me, because, she gets it. And she gets me. I wanted her more than anything or anyone. I cried because she wasnt here. I cried because I was hurting. I cried because the flashbacks were so bad. I cried for the little parts who were struggling so much with dr. Barrys absence.
I eventually decided to try to go out to the nurses station again. A student nurse Jenny whose been extremely good to me since I came in asked me if I was ok. I disolved into tears and said no. She came in to my bedspace and talked to me. I told her I wanted dr. Barry. I told her it felt like Amanda didnt care. She reassured me that the nurses all did care about me. That they’d been very busy but that they were here and would talk to me if I needed them. And now that dr. Barry is away for a week, I should trust them and try to reach out to them. I was like I dont know! I still want dr. Barry because she gets it. No one understands the severity of the flashbacks.
She said that she was running a quiz and did I want to join in. First I said no, but then she said I didnt have to participate that I could just sit by her and be present during it so I said I would go. Then I told her that I felt suicidal. She tried to make me promise that I wouldnt hurt myself. I couldnt. I’d be lying if I did. So I didnt.
I guaranteed my safety just until the quiz was over and we could talk again. Then she left me on my bed still feeling like crap. A couple of minutes later amanda came in. We talked a little and she told me I could fight this. I told her she had no idea how difficult it was. She said I needed to challenge my thinking. Yeah, whatever, easier said than done.
I told her I miss dr. Barry a lot already and she hasnt even been gone a day. She didnt get the intensity of the attachment to dr. Barry. But I didnt expect her to. Its just awful. I just miss her so much.
I just want her to reassure me I’m ok. This will pass. Someone understands what its like for me. Someone gets it. I might ask Jenny if she has the perfume dr. Barry wears with her. If she does maybe she will let me spray some on my teddy bear. It would be comforting.
I could really use some support. I’m really struggling today.