Here is the second part of the post related to attachment and therapy stuff from yesterday.
I sat there silently trying to think whether I’d say what I was feeling or not to Eileen. I decided to just go for it.
Me: Eileen, there are so many times when I just want to ask you questions, questions about yourself, i just want to find out about you, about your life. But I get scared, scared in case your going to be mad at me for asking, scared in case you dont answer, or say no to answering, I couldnt handle the rejection.
I get that, I really do, Eileen said. But I also get that there are other parts that dont want to know.
Ok so its not about the will I tell or wont I tell, she said. Just notice for a second, where is this coming from, where are the origins of this wanting to know about me coming from? What would that give you? Notice for a moment why your so frustrated with that.
Well, I said slowly. Its the being connected, knowing what foods you like, or when your birthday is, knowing that, I’d feel more connected, because, well because I could say when I eat those foods, oh eileen likes this, or when its your birthday date or month, I could say todays eileens birthday, and feel the connection to you.
ok, she said, i am hearing that you’d really like a relationship, more than just a theraputic kind of relationship with me, is that it? Is that what you’d like.
I just want it to be more real, i said, I just want to know certain things about you, I just…um…I just…I dont know eileen, i just dont know!
ok so like, i dont want you to be just like a therapisty sorta person, you know?
and I’m not saying you are, but sometimes, our relationship seems like its unequal, you know, because well, you know all this stuff about me but I dont know much about you?
you know what I think? she said. It is striking me at the moment how much your missing jess. “jess is my partner in long term residential psychiatric care in Illinois”. I do, i said, sadly, I do really miss her. Eileen went on, talking really softly. Maybe you want to roll me up into all sorts, someone you can have a relationship with, someone you can do therapy with, someone you can attach to, someone your attracted to, all in one, someone that can be there all of the time to fill all of the needs, am i right? I dont know what I want eileen, i stammered, all I know its one big confusing mess.
It sounds like it was very hard to have your relationship change, so that its not equal any more, she said.
Yes, I said, and you cant get that back. Its gone, changed, not replaceable.
I know, she softly said.
and then there is the part of me that desperately wants to run in and rescue jess, and would do it in a heartbeat if I could, I said, but I cant, because I am too far away.
And you want to mother her? Eileen said?
Yes, that too, I said. I was always the one in the relationship who did that mostly anyway.
Yes, eileen said, I know, and it was with the hope of maybe other parts could get their needs met in ways by doing that too.
I get that, she said, and i can well imagine the longing for that need, and the frustration of that as well, the frustration of me, as your therapist, I cant be all of those things, or all of those people, I cant, and I get how frustrated you are at that.
I am imagining you feel angry at me too about it? No, I said, not angry, just a resignation, a kind of hopelessness about it all.
we sat then in silence for a couple of minutes, me almost crying, then eileen said, i understand how it is for each and every insider, I do, I really do. But I know that understanding it is not going to fix it, I know that doesnt really cut it.
No, I said, but I do feel validated, and thats important to me. So thank you for understanding, and thank you for validating my feelings.
Session to be continued in the next part