so our birthday is coming up. on april 19th. and its a huge trigger for us. and i’m scared. my family want to go out. i agreed because i dont want to disappoint them. they want and expect me to just be normal. so that is what i am trying to do. i am trying to put up a front but really i am dying inside. really i want to run and hide. i want to cover up my head and hide underneath a blanket and spend all of my birthday inside in my house. away from people. on my own. but i wont be doing that. its probably for the best that i wont. but man. its so difficult. i’m just feeling triggered already even thinking about it. i dont know how i’ll cope. i have a little bit of a plan. since eileen is out of the country that week, i plan to ask dr. barry if i can see her twice that week. i know she wont be on vacation. that will help some. at least one of my safe people is here and will be around for me. eileen being gone is not ideal. i hate hate therapy breaks with avengance. so i’ll slap on a happy face and go out with my family and pretend to be happy when really i’m not. because that is what i do. tats what i’m good at. its how i live. its how i function.