just saw dr. barry. i had asked my key nurse this morning to ask her not to have too many people in the room. and she must have, because there was only myself, dr. barry, karen the social worker, and michelle who is a clinical nurse therapist and who has worked with us in the past so knows us well. we talked about he flashbacks and the nightmares. i told her how vivid they have been. and how i’ve been waking 2 or 3 times a night and unable to go back to sleep. i told her i’d been blogging and emailing eileen for support. she asked if that was helping and i said it was. then she said the reason she hadnt let me go to see eileen yesterday was because she didnt feel it was appropriate for me to go off the ward when i am in for crisis management. i can see her point. she asked me if eileen had done a check in with me over the phone and i told her we had. i told her we’d talked for over a half an hour. she was pleased i’d gotten to check in with her. she told me I’d be here for a few more days at least. she’s going to keep me on the invega for about another week, then take me off of it. we talked about my mom and her being supportive one minute and then not there emotionally the next. i cried, it was a hard conversation to have. we discussed a recent conversation my mom and i had where she said i should share more with her, and i couldnt go there, i couldnt trust that she’d be there if I shared. so I dont, I keep everything in to myself. I know thats not good but its how things have been since my teens. all through my teens, after the abuse came to light i tried to get my mom to talk to me about it. she wouldnt. she wasnt there for me. she isnt there for me a lot of the time now. only when she wants to be. when she feels like it. that hurts. and makes me sad. and makes me angry. dr. barry asked me if i felt any emotions when we had the conversation about me sharing more with her. i said yes, and then i said sadness and anger. i want a mom who i can trust who will be there take care of me go through things with me. i want to be close to her and i do care about her and love her and we have gotten closer in the last 2 years. dr. barry said she can see the progress we’ve made. she said there has been a noticable shift in our relationship in the last 2 years. i told her that last night around 9 PM my sister text me. she asked me how I was. I thought that was weird because normally she doesnt text me much. I told her I’d had a bad day and then she texted back I know, mom told me. so my mom cared enough to tell my sister that i was struggling and having a bad day and told her to text me. i felt so loved right then. loved and cared for. see how confusing all this is? anyway. the bulk of our session was talking about mom issues. dr. barry was telling michelle and Karen about me missing my singing lessons, and then we got talking about who out of them can sing, and there was a lot of banter between dr. barry and karen and michelle and me. it was so funny. then michelle said to me that she is really proud of me because i have her email address and i’ve never abused it. she said over the last five years she has only given it to two clients and I am one of them. she said that she trusts me not to abuse it and that any time i have been unwell i have never emailed her which is true i havent. and i wouldnt. i have karens email address as well, and i’d never use it only to email her if i had to if it was something social work related. i felt good though that they both trust me not to abuse their email. anyway back to the singing, dr. barry told them how i used to be a montfort and i have been performing since a young age and have been in pantos in the opera house and shows in other venues around the city. karen was like i have no talent! we all laughed at that. then we got chatting and i was like surely you can sing karen, and she said i keep thinking there is a song that will suit me but i never find one. and then i said did you ever see the catherine tate sketch where its lauren and she says and you thought you were celine dion? its very funny. so yeah we were really having a great joke today in our session. i never saw dr. barry to laugh so much! I love hearing her laugh. the next thing i need to do is buy her perfume. i’m obsessed. i need to have it so when i am feeling lonely or alone and needing dr. barrys reassurrance i can put a spray of it on and it will remind me of her. so yeah that is the update. feeling good and like we accomplished a lot today.