Trigger warning for abuse content within this post.
i’m really, really done with them. i wish they’d stop coming. they come on suddenly. and leave me paralysed. fearful. i because a hot mess. not grounded in the present. i woke up tonight at 2:30 AM. i had been having intense CSA flashbacks, about oliver, Oliver abused me for 3 years, from age 11 to age 14. he was a care taker in my school, in the school for the blind. he started off with just remarks “oh you look nice” or “your hair is lovely”. innocent enough people would say. but those remarks led to bigger things. like when i’d be sent to get my library books at reception, and he’d be there. and he’s be so creepy, laughing and saying come here, its so nice to see you, come and lets talk. I was on my own and scared. To scared to say no and run away. so I’d go over to him. it is then that he’d touch me. at first it was outside my clothes, on my back, shoulders, thies, etc. He’s stroke them and make crude remarks. I was 11 and so confused. I thought this is not nornal, but maybe it is, how was I suppose to know, I’d been being abused by others since I was 5. It was all I knew.
Over time the abuse from Oliver got worse. He’d have sex with me. He brought my best friend in to it, he told her if she told he’d kill both of us and then go after our family. We were petrified of him. he was so big, so strong, we were defenseless and small.
My best friend was constantly urging me to tell someone, please, she’d say, please tell someone, I can help you. But I was ashamed, scared, overwhelmed, confused, and I had no one to turn to.
Eventually in december 1994, I told my art teacher. And it was then everything changed for me for a second time. Oliver was confronted. And he denied all of it. My mom was interrogated. They said to her that I had serious psychological issues and to go get me some help. Then my mom said she wasnt sure she believed me, I never forgave her for that.
I was alone again. And i was so scared.
What if Oliver made good on his threats to kill me? and my family?
so getting back to tonight. I dreamed he was coming after me with a knife. i woke up just as he was sticking it into me. And saying, you little bitch, you ruined my family, now I’m going to end your life.
Fear gripped me. I jumped up and out of bed. Ran to the nurses station. I needed to hear a friendly voice. I was petrified.
Eventually after taking a haldol prn I was able to go back to sleep, only to wake 2 hours later with intense nightmares again. This time about abuse I’d endured not from oliver, from the head nun at the school. I wont go into it here its for another post. Needless to say I was terrified again when I went out to the nurses station. The nurse Ber came in and made me tea and sat talking to me for a couple of minutes, it helped calm me down and now I am feeling a little bit better.
Flashbacks are just the worst, and nightmares suck.