i’m so done with flashbacks

Trigger warning for abuse content within this post.

i’m really, really done with them. i wish they’d stop coming. they come on suddenly. and leave me paralysed. fearful. i because a hot mess. not grounded in the present. i woke up tonight at 2:30 AM. i had been having intense CSA flashbacks, about oliver, Oliver abused me for 3 years, from age 11 to age 14. he was a care taker in my school, in the school for the blind. he started off with just remarks “oh you look nice” or “your hair is lovely”. innocent enough people would say. but those remarks led to bigger things. like when i’d be sent to get my library books at reception, and he’d be there. and he’s be so creepy, laughing and saying come here, its so nice to see you, come and lets talk. I was on my own and scared. To scared to say no and run away. so I’d go over to him. it is then that he’d touch me. at first it was outside my clothes, on my back, shoulders, thies, etc. He’s stroke them and make crude remarks. I was 11 and so confused. I thought this is not nornal, but maybe it is, how was I suppose to know, I’d been being abused by others since I was 5. It was all I knew.
Over time the abuse from Oliver got worse. He’d have sex with me. He brought my best friend in to it, he told her if she told he’d kill both of us and then go after our family. We were petrified of him. he was so big, so strong, we were defenseless and small.
My best friend was constantly urging me to tell someone, please, she’d say, please tell someone, I can help you. But I was ashamed, scared, overwhelmed, confused, and I had no one to turn to.
Eventually in december 1994, I told my art teacher. And it was then everything changed for me for a second time. Oliver was confronted. And he denied all of it. My mom was interrogated. They said to her that I had serious psychological issues and to go get me some help. Then my mom said she wasnt sure she believed me, I never forgave her for that.
I was alone again. And i was so scared.
What if Oliver made good on his threats to kill me? and my family?

so getting back to tonight. I dreamed he was coming after me with a knife. i woke up just as he was sticking it into me. And saying, you little bitch, you ruined my family, now I’m going to end your life.
Fear gripped me. I jumped up and out of bed. Ran to the nurses station. I needed to hear a friendly voice. I was petrified.
Eventually after taking a haldol prn I was able to go back to sleep, only to wake 2 hours later with intense nightmares again. This time about abuse I’d endured not from oliver, from the head nun at the school. I wont go into it here its for another post. Needless to say I was terrified again when I went out to the nurses station. The nurse Ber came in and made me tea and sat talking to me for a couple of minutes, it helped calm me down and now I am feeling a little bit better.
Flashbacks are just the worst, and nightmares suck.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

13 thoughts on “i’m so done with flashbacks”

  1. So sorry to hear of your awful experience, although I have not experienced to the extent which you had, which would have been terrifying for you, I have where a man was being perverted to me when I was about your age. He only went as far as saying would you like to go behind that wall and give me a kiss. I was stuck to the spot. Had there been someone I knew visible, I would have cried for help. But there wasn’t. I said no and he walked off. Only after when he walked off, I went back inside where I was at the time and I told my mum later that night. I promised her if this or anything else happened again, I would tell her. What happened at that age froze me to the spot. I dread to think if anything would have happened further and he not walked off.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you. I am not affected by that now in one way, as in the incident itself, but I suppose subconsciously with that and stuff I experienced as an adult, which was rape in marriage does not help when put altogether. Along with two other failed relationships, my trust in men as in a relationship is nil.

        As friendships, I am usually fine with men. But as you know I am having a bit of a scenario with a friend who is not respecting my boundaries. This is a man. I have already communicated with him this morning, pointing out where I now want to meet on Thursday and not what ever he had planned. I pointed out also that this will just be a coffee and i will only be there for an hour or two to say what i need to say then I am going home for dinner.

        When time comes, I shall tell him that this is the last time I actually meet up with him, due to him not respecting my boundaries. I shall be insisting he deletes my number from his phone and he is not to text. Should he do, I will block him.
        I shall tell him he is not to message me privately via Facebook and I will block him via that, just in case he tries.
        I shall point out that he won’t lose my friendship completely, as I will still be friends via Facebook and the only way I will communicate is via his posts, or my posts. Not privately. He can also communicate via my blog still, but only if he wants to to do with the post itself. And that I will continue this way if he remains fine in not abusing that by posting stuff on my wall not appropriate. Otherwise if he doesn’t, I shall unfriend him without warning and there will be no going back.

        I have felt uncomfortable at times at the back of my mind with some things he has come out with. I have spoken to about this to a friend and like before, she said the same thing I felt and that was ‘stalking.’ Which I felt at times since December. I have been patient since November, but been a little uncomfortable at times since December. It has sparked anxiety and this friend i spoke to who I also work with, said she has noticed at times how at work I am quiet. She used to think if she had done something wrong, then thought it was more likely this person. It is giving me some anxiety I do not need. x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you. me too. I don’t need the anxiety on top of what I am trying to come to terms with and that is my death of my aunt, who passed away on new years eve.

        While you are experiencing what you are experiencing, I am glad you are in a place where you feel safe and know you are being cared for, with the right support. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wonder why it is that mothers seem to have this thing about not believing their daughters when the daughters say they’ve been or are being abused. I’ve heard of cases where the abuse is going on inside the home and the girl tells her mother and her mother either ignores it or flat out doesn’t believe it. Did your best friend talk about the abuse as well to the grownups?

    Liked by 1 person

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