i feel just awful. there is so much going on. after a hard night last night, i got about an hours sleep earlier. i did manage to eat breakfast. the nurses that are on today have changed, the way it works in this unit is some nurses work monday to wednesday and then another group work thursday to sunday. my nurse today is siobhan. she is nice and i have been able to talk to her. she called dr. barry and asked her if i could go to see eileen. dr. barry said no. i’m not sure why, other than she thinks i need to recover a little bit more before being allowed off the unit. the kids were devastated. they really wanted to see eileen. they were going to ask if they could sit on the floor in front of her or next to her. that is their new thing now, they want to be close to her. i called eileen to let her know we wouldnt be coming. she said she got my email that I sent over the weekend, where I was suicidal and emotional and very unstable. I told her I still feel that way. She encouraged me to try to think of positive memories every time I am triggered. we talked about easter and how much easter is a huge trigger for us. she asked if i am making new memories of easter now and i told her yes i was. so she told me try to think of the positives when your in that triggered state. she also told me to look out for the kids. she asked me how i felt towards them. i said i felt a softness towards them. she said them knowing i am there and will protect them as well as having her support will be huge for them. right now they are saying dr. barry is a big meanie. and she is horrible and its not fair and she is bad and she is mean for not letting us go to see eileen. I tried to explain tot them, as did eileen on the phone, that dr. barry is doing this out of a place of caring. That she wants us to recover and get well. And right now we arent well enough to leave the unit. And I know we arent. I’ve been suicidal all morning. Thinking of ways to just end my life. Not helped of course by the two male voices. They’ve been telling me to go to the kitchen, get a knife, and stab myself or cut my wrists. Its very scary. I’ve just been laying on my bed trying to drown them out. Between insiders trying to come out and be themselves, and the voices commanding me to do things, and people in the ward causing drama, it makes for a very bumpy morning. All I can do is keep going and hope the thoughts pass soon. Siobhan told me if I need anything to go out and call her and she’d come in and chat to me. Thats good to know.