From a watcher in the system, I experienced therapy for the first time today

Hi. I am a watcher in our system. i dont feel safe enough to give my name yet. Today I came out during our therapy session. I had emailed eileen last week to tell her I wasnt coming in today. But then Carol anne took us anyway, I didnt get a choice in the matter. Carol anne was out at the beginning of our session. Then Eileen started talking about recieving the emails. And boom I was out. I just sorta fell into the body. Can you try to talk to me? Eileen asked. You are very welcome here. I welcome any of you to session. I sat there, hands covering my face, trembling. Whose this? She tried. I dont want to say, was my response. Ok, its ok, you dont have to tell me your name. But can you try to talk to me and tell me how your feeling? Ok, I will try. So I did. I hid my face in my hands though. I did not want her to see me! I dont want to be here, I said annoyed. I didnt want to come but I got no choice! Yes, she said softly. I got your email about that. I bet you didnt take much notice of it. I bet you thought she’ll be here, did you? No, actually I was thinking you might not show up! And if I didnt, would you have rang us? Yes! Of course! But I’m so glad you did come. Its much better that you came and are talking to me. I am happy about that. Your always welcome in this room. Always. You know why I hate therapy today and last week I did too? Why? Its because its going places where I dont want it to go. Oh, I get it! Yes! When we were processing those memories last week, I didnt feel safe. Have you ever watched what goes on in therapy before? Only for the last few weeks. Oh ok! So then you wouldnt know that I’ve been working with you for four and a half years. You wont be privy to the fact that this was the first time in all that time that we explored a memory. Yes in the past we’ve worked with memories a little bit, but in a really structured way. I imagine for you you just felt oh she is bulldozing her way in and it is not safe. But I’d be fool hardy to do that. This wont work unless we do it together. Are you a watcher in the system? Yes. And last week, you told allie that she needs to just be a kid and let go of her watcher role. I didnt choose my job, you know. I know that! You had to take what was on offer at the time! Yes, no one would ever choose to be a watcher, its a hard job. I wasnt saying you have to get rid of your jobs, I guess the reason i said that to allie was because she is only 9, and I know that sometimes she has to watch and the stuff she sees isnt age appropriate. How old are you? I’m 14. Ok. I’m not trying to strip your job from you. I think you and I would work really well together. You wont know this but I’ve spoken to others in the system about the window of tolerance. Knowing when enough is enough and when its too much. In between there is a window of tolerance, I am wondering if when we continue to process memories, that you and some of the other watchers can be on the look out and give me a sign when enough is enough and when you think its unsafe to do any more? Ok, I think I can do that. Great, this is the only way this will work. I need your help for it to work. How does it feel for me to say that how do you feel upon hearing it? I feel a lot better now. i feel good about working on safety issues together. Thats good. And you dont tell me anything unless you feel comfortable. I’ve never pumped any of you for info, but I know you wouldnt know that having only started watching in therapy recently. This is a process. We’ve spent four plus years working towards exploring the memories, and its a process, 2 steps forward, 1 step back, its not linear. ok? Ok. Thanks Eileen. I’m going inside now. Maybe I’ll come back some time soon and talk some more. Ok, see you soon then, it was nice talking to you today

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “From a watcher in the system, I experienced therapy for the first time today”

  1. That was very brave to talk to Eileen today. I think she is right about you watching to make sure everyone is in their window. My therapist talks about the window, too. I feel like my window has a grown a lot in the time I’ve been working with her. Your window will grow, too. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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