THE PIT

THIS IS LIZ. THERAPY WAS HARD FOR ME TODAY. I FELT SO DEPRESSED. I TOLD EILEEN IT FELT LIKE I WAS IN A PIT. SUFFOCATING. DROWNING. INA PIT COVERED WITH BLACK STICKY TAR. AND I WAS SINKING IN IT.
LETS ME GIVE YOU MY HAND, SHE SAID, I AM WITH YOU HELPING YOU GET OUT OF THE PIT.
LET ME GO DOWN A LADDER INTO THE PIT, PUT A ROPE AROUND BOTH OUR WASTES, AND PULL YOU UP OUT OF IT.
I AM HERE, I WILL HELP YOU, YOU ARE NOT ON YOUR OWN.
I HELD TIGHT TO EILEENS HAND. HELP ME, EILEEN, I SAID IN A SMALL VOICE. I DONT LIKE THIS DARK PLACE.
LETS CLIMB OUT AND THEN WE CAN SIT AT THE SIDE OF THE PIT TOGETHER, SHE SAID.
SO WE DID. WE SAT WITH OUR LEGS DANGLING. AND WE TALKED BUT I KEPT GETTING OVERWHELMED.
I THINK WE NEED TO COVER THE PIT FOR NOW, SHE SAID SOFTLY. WHAT CAN WE USE TO COVER IT, HOW BIG OF A COVER DO YOU NEED?
A COER THE SIZE OF YOUR OFFICE! I SAID QUICKLY.
SO TOGETHER, WE COVERED IT OVER.
NOW WE WILL ONLY GO THERE INTO THE PIT TOGETHER. DONT GO IN THERE ALONE. WE WILL WORK ON THESE BIG FEELINGS TOGETHER.
I TOLD HER IT FELT LIKE I COULDNT COPE WITH ALL THE FEELINGS, THEY FELT SO OVERWHELMING TO ME. ITS LIKE YOUR IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE. IT IS EITHER ALL THE FIGHT IS GONE OUT OF YOU, OR YOUR IN FLIGHT MODE WHERE YOU JUST NEED TO SELF HARM.
YES, I SAID, BECAUSE SELF HARMING FEELS LIKE A RELEASE TO ME.
I GET THAT, SHE SAID. IT SEEMS LIKE ITS AN OPTION FOR YOU RIGHT NOW, THE ONLY WAY IN WHICH YOU CAN COPE. BUT ITS NOT THE ONLY WAY AND IT WOULD BE BETTER IF WE TALKED THINGS THROUGH.
I TENTATIVELY AGREED. OK, I’LL TRY. I’M NOT PROMISING ANYTHING, BUT I’LL TRY.
AS LONG AS YOU HELP ME, I THINK I’LL BE OK.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

8 thoughts on “THE PIT”

  1. your experience is similar to mine. i often feel like i am wearing a suit of armor, and am in the middle of a pit of quicksand, being weighted down and slowly sinking. i try to move, but the metal armor and the wet sand make it impossible. i wonder if EMDR would help us ( people in pits) to finally get out and start to grow?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Liz, sounds like a really rough session. I’m glad Eileen is there for you and helped you cover up the pit. as you get stronger, I think the size of the pit will shrink or you will be able to shrink it until there is nothing left.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Oh Liz, I’m sorry it’s so hard right now. That pit, it can be an awful place, can’t it? I know it well. It sounds like Eileen is brave and kind and will stay with you so you don’t have to be alone. I really like the way she talks to you. When you feel overwhelmed, please think about her words and her commitment to you. And remember how much we all care about you, too. xxoo

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I often say I feel as if I have fallen over the edge of a cliff and can’t get back up the side. Your pit sounds similar to my experience. I’m sorry you have been in this pit. It is a terrible place to be. I like how Eileen climbed down and helped you get out of the pit, how she helped you cover it. I think over time it will either get less deep, or smaller. It just takes time to heal. But you can do it. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

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