So today during therapy we processed a memory. That was hard but not as hard as we thought it would be.
We did EMDR and used the pulsers. To think when I started with Eileen one of the first things I said to her was dont ever try EMDR on me. I hate it. How wrong I was. Its actually wonderful and she makes the experience feel great.
I also told her that I couldnt do mindfulness due to my dissociation. Another thing I got so terribly wrong. What I did today was mindfulness. I tracked the reactions in my body. I noticed them and I didnt fall apart.
We talked about a memory of being 8 years old. Of being taken to rituals in a van. Of my legs and arms being tied up and of me being powerless. Eileen asked me, what did that make you feel about yourself?
I said like I didnt have a choice. That they could do whatever they wanted to me, I was powerless and helpless and had no choice. She asked me on a scale of 1 to 7 if 7 was that I firmly believed that I had a choice and 1 was that I didnt where do I see myself now? I said I saw myself at around a 2 or 3. Its hard for me to believe now that I do have a choice now, as an adult.
So we worked with that. We worked with EMDR to break the belief that I dont have choices now. That was so powerful.
Eileen asked me what was different now too back then? I was able to come up with a couple of things. 1 I didnt know her back then. 2 it was a different year. 3 I’m an adult now, not 8 years old. I have autonomy now.
Just thinking about those things I was like wow!
We talked about safety and dissociation and how we can put a plan in place around our safety especially around past abusers and recontact from them.
It was a good session. And we processed a memory using EMDR and it wasnt as hard as I thought it would be!