Processing in therapy

So today during therapy we processed a memory. That was hard but not as hard as we thought it would be.

We did EMDR and used the pulsers. To think when I started with Eileen one of the first things I said to her was dont ever try EMDR on me. I hate it. How wrong I was. Its actually wonderful and she makes the experience feel great.

I also told her that I couldnt do mindfulness due to my dissociation. Another thing I got so terribly wrong. What I did today was mindfulness. I tracked the reactions in my body. I noticed them and I didnt fall apart.

We talked about a memory of being 8 years old. Of being taken to rituals in a van. Of my legs and arms being tied up and of me being powerless. Eileen asked me, what did that make you feel about yourself?

I said like I didnt have a choice. That they could do whatever they wanted to me, I was powerless and helpless and had no choice. She asked me on a scale of 1 to 7 if 7 was that I firmly believed that I had a choice and 1 was that I didnt where do I see myself now? I said I saw myself at around a 2 or 3. Its hard for me to believe now that I do have a choice now, as an adult.

So we worked with that. We worked with EMDR to break the belief that I dont have choices now. That was so powerful.

Eileen asked me what was different now too back then? I was able to come up with a couple of things. 1 I didnt know her back then. 2 it was a different year. 3 I’m an adult now, not 8 years old. I have autonomy now.

Just thinking about those things I was like wow!

We talked about safety and dissociation and how we can put a plan in place around our safety especially around past abusers and recontact from them.

It was a good session. And we processed a memory using EMDR and it wasnt as hard as I thought it would be!


Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

14 thoughts on “Processing in therapy”

  1. So great. Wonderful. I like EMDR too. I spend the most wonderful 4 hours of my life but something went wrong. We are now waiting and I am learning how to bring those to safe places who do not want to take part. But my therapist is going to do EMDR with us again one day. You can be very proud of you as it is said that EMDR is not so simple with DID personalities.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this. I’m starting over with a new therapist with my trauma issues. And looking for ways to connect with him about the trauma. Congrats on finding something that worked. Thank you for sharing with others.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m glad you had a good session. Since these things happened at the school for the blind, do you know if it was ever investigated since I’m assuming you weren’t the only victim?

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sorry no one was prosecuted. It sounds like the people getting a slap on the wrist when they did so much damage. Since this memory is when you were eight years old, were you a system even back then?


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