I need to just write

I cant sleep. I’m wide awake and its almost 3 AM. THis is crazy. I feel crazy. I feel anxious and overwhelmed. I’ve been thinking a lot tonight. About my situation and about being denied pa hours. Its really difficult. Am I not worthy of a service? Do the powers that be think I am not ill enough? I dont meet theire requirements? If I knew the requirements that would be something. As it is I dont. Dr. barry and Karen and mark have all put letters of recommendation in. They’ve outlined my issues, my diagnosis, my needs. Still nothing. Its making me angry and agitated and overwhelmed and irritated and filling me with rage. Parts want to rage at these people. Send them nasty emails. But we cant do that. Rationally I know this. The rational part of me is slowly fading tonight though. I’m a hot mess. I just want to crawl into bed and never get up. I go from angry to defeated. Its terrible and an awful feeling swinging between the two. I took a shower to try to calm myself down. I let the water run on my body and i cried. i cried because i feel worthless and alone and sad and useless. i feel defeated and like nothing i do is ever good enough, like i am not good enough to recieve services, so i have to suffer and struggle. please let this night end. i cant take any more.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

8 thoughts on “I need to just write”

  1. I am so sorry that you are feeling so overwhelmed tonight, although I do understand why you are upset and your feelings are valid. But, even with having those valid feelings, I have to say, it is a testiment to how well you are doing that you were denied. They see someone with tremendous strength, despite being blind and having a mental illness. I know that in reality you want more help for many very good reasons, but I want you to take just a minute to allow yourself to hear and feel that they think you are doing an amazing job and maybe someone else needs it that much more!!! Good for you for being so self-sufficient and strong and using your family and therapists and Nitro and friends to help you and keep you doing so well. Just a thought but good for you!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh Carol Anne. I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. You do deserve extra services. You work so hard already as it is to live an independent life. You deserve the chance to take it further. Don’t give up. Sending hugs. Xxxx.

    Liked by 1 person

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