SUICIDAL ME

ITS CORA AND I FEEL VERY SUICIDAL. I CANT HELP IT. I JUST FEEL AWFUL. LIKE A HUGE WEIGHT IS PRESSING DOWN ON ME. I DIDNT EVEN ENJOY ANY OF OUR WEEKEND AWAY, BECAUSE I JUST FELT SO LOW FOR THE WHOLE TIME. I’VE BEEN HAVING AWFUL MEMORIES. THEY’RE REALLY GRAPHIC AND I HATE THEM. I HATE RELIVING AND REMEMBERING. I REALLY JUST WANT TO END IT, AND I WOULD, BUT I DONT HAVE THE MEANS. PROBABLY A GOOD THING THAT I DONT. I FEEL SO ALONE. SO LOW AND LONELY. I FEEL LIKE I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO FEELS LIKE THIS, BUT I KNOW THATS NOT TRUE. I KNOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL LIKE I DO. IF YOUR OUT THERE PLEASE COMMENT. I HATE THIS BLACKNESS, IT THREATENS TO SWALLOW ME UP. I WANT TO BE NORMAL LIKE CAROL ANNE. I WANT TO ENJOY THINGS LIKE SHE DOES. I WANT TO LIVE LIFE, BUT I CANT, I CANT BECAUSE OF THE MEMORIES. I’M STUCK. STUCK IN THE PAST. AND I HATE IT SO MUCH.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

6 thoughts on “SUICIDAL ME”

  1. I’m sorry you’re having such a time of it, Cora. You must feel like a revolving door sometimes. Have you shared every single memory with Dr. Barry or Eileen? I know that for some people, when memories are shared and examined, it makes them less of a problem. Perhaps you could come out and talk to either one of them about all those memories, not that you’re having memories, but what exactly they are. Hugs. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hi Cora, this weekend has not been good to me because I have been in a lot of physical pain. Like you, I want to end things. I do have the means but I am afraid they will just make me sick rather than kill me. It frustrates me that I don’t have any other means available. You are not alone with what you are feeling. Maybe talking to Carol Anne will help you and calm you down. Remember you are not alone in the system, and especially with Eileen and Dr. Barry. I am here, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks G, I appreciate that. I will talk to Eileen tomorrow. I hope she will be able to understand. Sometimes I think no one can understand except someone who was feeling that way. I know you guesses. Thanks for your support XXX

      Liked by 1 person

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