It was a very intense session this week. 3 of us spoke during it. First AJ had some time, then me Carol anne, and lastly Liz.
AJ was very agitated when she walked in. She sat there raging, ringing her hands, and just absolutely furious. Eileen came in and sat down and started talking about the weather and stuff and AJ just lost it.
“I hate my life” “I dont want to be here”
whats going on? who is this?
AJ told her her name.
Tell me about the anger, you seem very angry. Lets try to put words on it. its ok. You can do this you can put words to it.
“I cant!” she shrieked loudly. “I dont have words, just rage.” “this fucking sucks!”
eileen sat quietly, giving her some space.
AJ, she said slowly, whats happening?
AJ just burst into tears. All the anger disapating. “I just, I just, I’m mad at Carol anne, she should have let me cut, I wanted to cut and she wouldnt let me”
Why did you want to cut? What would that have done for you? How would it have helped?
“Its a release” “I could feel something else besides anger”
Oh I see, so you didnt want to feel the anger and cutting would release the pressure of it and the anger would go and you’d be able to feel other things again?
“yes, she said thats it”
And then she just cried, for a long time. Hesitating she asked eileen for a hug. Eileen gladly gave her one.
They cuddled for a while, AJ not wanting to let go.
I can feel your heartbeat”, she said to eileen. “I love hearing it”
They sat down again and talked a little about AJ getting support from inside when she feels this bad. “but i dont want other insiders, i want you” “I want someone on the outside, its not the same having other insiders supporting me”.
I know it isnt the same, what about the room we created a long time ago with me in it? Do you use that?
“no, not really” “we kinda forgot about it”
“can you lead me to that room now” “ok, I will”
she went to the room that we have inside that is almost like eileens office.
“what do you see in here AJ”
“I see soft chairs, cushinons on the floor beside the chairs, there is soft music playing, and candles burning.”
What do the candles smell like?
“Jasmine and vanilla”
ok! this is good AJ!
Am I in there now? Can you see me?
Yes! I see you sitting on a soft comfy chair, with a lot of kids around you.
Is there a cushion for you too?
Yes, she said hesitantly.
Ok now what am I saying?
Your saying supportive things. That I am not on my own. That I can feel, it is ok to feel, the feelings wont swallow me up or kill me. That you are here, and you will help me with them. I am not on my own.
Yes! Exactly. You are not alone or on your own because I am here with you. Any time you feel sad or alone go in to this room and talk to me, ask me things, and wait for an answer, see what answer comes, what I might say to you.
Ok, I will. Thanks Eileen.
After that they sat in silence for a little while, then AJ said I gotta go back inside, Liz wants to talk to you.
Before you go, how are you feeling now? Are you ok to go?
Yeah, I feel ok. I dont feel mad or angry or anything. i feel calm.
Great. See you soon then?
Yeah, see you soon.
To be continued.