i just want to die. i need to die. i am bad. i am ugly. i am horrible and a horrible person. i am useless. i am so sad. i am unsure. unsure of things and of whether i really have a purpose in the world. i feel so empty. so overwhelmed, so sad. just awful and it is hard. i need a friend. i need someone to hug me. but i am alone. i am alone and trying to manage. trying, unsuccessfully. death would be welcome.



Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

45 thoughts on “S.O.S”

  1. You are so special Cora and you are needed here and with Nitro and by your family and friends in the clubs you go to. Please hang on, maybe listen to some music you like or put on some tv to hear. Can you imagine those thoughts have an internal dimmer switch and use your hand to turn those voices down so you can hear the voices of others here you love and need you

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  2. Dearest Cora, I have been where you are. It is scary. My family protects me and sometimes all we do is talk. Right now I am having a hard time because I am stopping my medicines. They aren’t helping. I am being helped by my med monitor so I do this right. Nitro is special and he needs you as we all do. Take care my dear and ❤ to you all.

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      1. Your welcome and I hope your feel better soon. It always seems so much worse when it’s happening and then you start to feel better.

        I feel terrible from drug withdrawal, but slowly I am coming about.

        I pray it passes for you quickly. Love and hugs ❤

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  3. Cora, you’re not alone. Cuddle up with Nitro to get some physical touch and ask Carol anne and the others to tell you how much they love and care for you. We’re also all just a click away. Hugs. xxx

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    1. Thank you. I am trying so hard to hold on. Not easy but I don’t want to give up. And all of my friends here mean so much to me. And my dog, nitro, he is my world you mean so much to me you help me so much so I don’t want to give up. XXX

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  4. I’m a new blogger and just came across your blog tonight. My name is Lora and I am one of many in a DID system. Night time is the worst for me too. Distracting the best I can works sometimes. But I find nothing works all the time. Reaching out helps. A lot of times I just want someone, anyone, to know I am here. And I am in need of kindness and understanding. Even from strangers it helps. I understand the pain your are going through right now. I hope you hold on until you feel relief. I hope you have insiders that can help you. Does your system have internal communication? We have a community of people that help each other. It wasn’t always this way for us and I know some peoples systems are not like that. I was just wondering if you had friendly insiders that can be close to you, even if you dont talk to each other. It might help. Worth a try to ask inside and see. Anyway, I will be up for hours yet, so if you want to talk we can. Warmly, Lora

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    1. Hello Laura. It’s very nice to meet you. I am glad you found my blog. We do have internal communication. I will try talking with some of the insiders. We are all kind of really depressed right now. But I will try. Where do you live? I am in Ireland. XXX


      1. I live in Oklahoma, USA. Right now our country is messed up. That is dragging us down. Scary times. Where in Ireland? Yea, I understand the ‘everyone inside is depressed’ idea. That’s how we get too. It’s hard to deal with. Life can get to feel too much. One thing I think of is just doing whatever I can to distract myself. I cant sleep sometimes so I play online games a lot. Read Twitter feeds, come here and read other people’s blogs. I get that there are times that nothing is gonna work. Just holding on is the best we can do, until we can do better. And its good enough for the time being. Ya know?

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      2. Yes I always distract myself with things. Right now I am checking email and downloading to movies and listening to the radio and drinking a cup of tea. It is 7 AM here. I live in Cork in the south of Ireland


  5. It’s about 1:30a.m. on Feb. 2 here. Are you beginning to feel better with the light of the day coming up? The darkness changes our moods, it sometimes feels a little bit better when the sun starts to come up. It will be warm here later today so I will be able to open my windows and get some fresh air in the apartment. We have agoraphobia too and the isolation of it makes the depression so much worse. Do you have plans for later today?

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    1. Yes I am feeling a little bit better know that it is morning. . I am seeing my psychiatrist Doctor Barry this morning. I can’t wait to see her. I find her really good and she is very helpful. I didn’t that my mum and sister are going to call to see me for a couple of hours. So I’ll have them at will be on my own. XXX


      1. That’s good. Those are things to look forward to. To hold on for. I am new to blogging too. So if I can ask, will you check out my blog and comment on one of the things I wrote, just so I can see if I have my blog set up correctly. It doesn’t seem to be seen. Not sure if I am doing something wrong. If not, its ok.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow. This was hard to read. I can relate to some of the feelings you have right now. Feelings of loneliness, lack of self worth, feelings death would be easier than all this. However I’m here to say you’re worth more than that. Be careful what you wish for. Be careful what you say. I AM are the two most powerful words in the English language. You can shape your life in the contents of how you use the words I AM. You can choose I AM to be negative or you can choose to be positive. Change that I AM to I AM valuable! I AM worth it. I AM Beautiful. You are what you say you are. Be careful what comes out of your mouth. You my friend are worth more than that. God loves you. He created you in his perfect sense. Love yourself. If there’s one thing I’ve learned these past couple of years dealing w my own challenges is the best friend I’ve ever had is me, myself and I. I enjoy being w me, myself and I. My prayer for you is you will discover that you don’t need anyone other than god and your three best friends. Me Myself and I. And remember I AM is pretty awesome!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I agree. It is easier said than done but it’s necessary. I am doing the same. Here’s a great YouTube video. Listen to it every day. Several times a day if you have to. You’re worth it. You are valuable. You are awesome

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