i’m feeling so low. i actually feel very suicidal. i just got off the phone with my mom. i told her my head is racing. my thoughts are racing. she wanted to know why. hell if i know. i cant blame just one thing. its a whole host of things. things are really just getting on top of me. i am glad i see dr. barry tomorrow. i will talk to her, not sure if i need to go in to the hospital or not. she might say that is not what i need. i’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope though. everything just feels so hard. i feel flat. numb. dead inside. edgy. agitated. suicidal. i have been thinking of ways to end it. like taking all my meds. or slitting my wrists. but i am not doing any of those things, because nitro is here and he needs me. i need to stay safe for him. thank god for him. he is keeping me sane right now. i am feeling very psychotic. i am hearing voices and they are not the insiders voices. they are male voices and they are creepy and horrible and commanding me to hurt myself. its really horrible. my ptsd is also flaring. the symptoms are really hitting me hard. i am jumping at every sound. i have been crying uncontrollably for the last hour. i’m a mess. i cant take it i just cant do this i want out.