Having a hard time

i’m feeling so low. i actually feel very suicidal. i just got off the phone with my mom. i told her my head is racing. my thoughts are racing. she wanted to know why. hell if i know. i cant blame just one thing. its a whole host of things. things are really just getting on top of me. i am glad i see dr. barry tomorrow. i will talk to her, not sure if i need to go in to the hospital or not. she might say that is not what i need. i’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope though. everything just feels so hard. i feel flat. numb. dead inside. edgy. agitated. suicidal. i have been thinking of ways to end it. like taking all my meds. or slitting my wrists. but i am not doing any of those things, because nitro is here and he needs me. i need to stay safe for him. thank god for him. he is keeping me sane right now. i am feeling very psychotic. i am hearing voices and they are not the insiders voices. they are male voices and they are creepy and horrible and commanding me to hurt myself. its really horrible. my ptsd is also flaring. the symptoms are really hitting me hard. i am jumping at every sound. i have been crying uncontrollably for the last hour. i’m a mess. i cant take it i just cant do this i want out.


Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

6 thoughts on “Having a hard time”

  1. i hear you. none of us signed up for this kind of bs, and it does just seem to keep on coming. but, that said, you are doing very well using your coping skills by remembering nitro needs you and by not acting on your thoughts or listening to the voices and by blogging on here. so, give yourself some credit…it is a hard and long road, but you are a warrior and you will get thru this too. just keep doing what you’re doing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. You are so kind. I will keep going I will keep doing what I am doing and hope for the best. I hope I can manage to stay out of the hospital but I really don’t know if that’s possible. Thanks again for your leave your support 🙂 XXX

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Kat…you are needed not only by sweet Nitro but by so many of us here that talk with you and share with you. Carol Anne took a stress course today, can you ask her to be with you and share with you some of the things she learned to help you get through this? You are loved and needed

    Liked by 1 person

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