Working with EMDR

ITS CORA. I AM 16. I CAME TO OUR THERAPY SESSION TODAY. IT WAS A VERY INTENSE SESSION FOR ME. LAST NIGHT I HAD A LOT OF ATTACHMENT PAIN WANTING EILEEN, WANTING DR. BARRY, WANTING THEM BUT WISHING I DIDNT WANT THEM. WANTING TO GO TO MY SESSION TODAY BUT NOT WANTING TO GO. SO MUCH RESISTANCE TO THERAPY. I WAS ALSO ANGRY WITH EILEEN FOR NOT CONTACTING ME, LIZ KEPT SAYING HOW WAS SHE SUPPOSED TO KNOW I WAS STRUGGLING WHEN I HADNT TOLD HER. MY THOUGHTS? YEAH, WELL SHE SHOULD JUST KNOW. SHE SHOULDNTHAVE TO BE TOLD. THAT WAS JUST THE RAGE IN ME, THE ANGERED PART OF ME. I FELT INTO THE FEELINGS BUT IT WAS SO HARD. I REALLY THOUGHT IT WOULD KILL ME. MY CHEST HURT. MY HEART HURT. MY STOMACH CLENCHED AND KEPT CLENCHING. IT WAS A MESS. I TOLD EILEEN ALL THIS TODAY. AND WE TALKED IT THROUGH. WHEN I CAME IN SHE TWIGGED STRAIGHT AWAY THAT I WASNT CAROL ANNE. SHE WAS LIKE, WHO AM I SPEAKING TO? AND I WAS LIKE MAN! HOW DOES SHE JUST KNOW! HERE I WAS TRYING TO HIDE AND SHE SAW ME. SHE SAW ME AND SHE WANTED TO TALK TO ME. I AM NOT USED TO THAT. I AM USED TO HIDING INSIDE, PASSING OFF AS CAROL ANNE, NOBODY REALLY KNOWS ME EXCEPT MY ONLINE FRIENDS. SO THAT WAS A CHALLENGE. BUT SHE GOT IT. SHE GOT THAT IT WAS CHALLENGING ME. I TOLD HER I WAS FEELING YOUNG. AND I WAS REMEMBERING A TIME WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG, AROUND 5 YEARS OLD. I REMEMBERED BEING ON THE TRAIN AND MY MOM HAVING TO LEAVE AND GET OFF AND THERE WAS TWO GIRLS LOOKING AFTER ME AND I WAS SCREAMING AND THEY WERE TRYING TO CONSOLE ME. LAST NIGHT WHEN I FELT INTO THE ATTACHMENT PAIN THAT IS THE MEMORY THAT CAME UP FOR ME. REMEMBERING MY MOM LEAVING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO GO WITH HER. AND IT WAS SO PAINFUL. EILEEN REALLY UNDERSTOOD. SHE ASKED ME TO DO THE BUTTERFLY HUG, WHICH IS WHERE YOU PUT BOTH HANDS ON EACH SHOULDER, IN A CRISS CROSS SORT OF WAY, AND YOU TAP LIGHTLY WITH EACH ONE AND YOU KEEP GOING DOING THAT WHILE YOU ARE FEELING INTO THE FEELINGS. WE WORKED WITH EMDR FOR A LONG TIME TODAY. FEELING WITH THE LITTLE 5 YEAR OLD PART OF ME. IT WAS SO INTENSE. I CRIED A LOT. I WAS SO SAD. THE SADNESS BUBBLED UNDER THE SURFACE. EILEEN KEPT REASSURING ME I’D BE OK, THAT IT WAS OK TO FEEL IT. IT WONT KILL YOU, SHE KEPT SAYING. YOUR OK, BREATHE. JUST BREATHE. EVERY TIME I DISSOCIATED SHE KEPT SAYING COME BACK TO ME, ITS OK TO BE HERE WITH ME. I AM HERE, SUPPORTING YOU. IT FELT SO LOVELY AND I FELT SO CONNECTED. TOWARDS THE END OF THE SESSION AFTER WE’D DONE THE EMDR I TOLD HER THAT FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS WE HADNT BEEN ABLE TO KEEP THE CONNECTION WITH HER DURING THE WEEK. AND SHE SAID THAT LAST SESSION SHE HAD TALKED TO CAROL ANNE ABOUT GIVING US HER EMPTY BOTTLE OFF OF HER ROSE SCENT. SO TODAY SHE WENT INSIDE TO HER HOUSE AND GOT IT FOR US. IT SMELLS SO GOOD. IT REMINDS OF OF HER. SHE TOLD US TO THINK OF HER BEING IN OUR CORNER WHEN WE TAKE IT OUT AND SMELL IT. THINK OF ME ON YOUR SIDE, SHE SAID. I AM HERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. SHE ALSO SAID SHE WOULD RECORD SOME OF OUR BOOKS, RECORD HERSELF READING FOR THE LITTLES, FOR WHEN THEY CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT. SO NEXT WEEK WE WILL BRING IN SOME BOOKS FOR HER. IT WAS A VERY GOOD SESSION. I FEEL MUCH BETTER HAVING HAD TIME TO TALK THINGS OVER.
CORA

Advertisements

Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

6 thoughts on “Working with EMDR”

  1. wow, you really are lucky to have Eileen! What a lot of resources and ideas for coping she has, and what’s more amazing is that she is actively participating in it as well. I know a lot of therapists would have much stricter boundaries, not allowing emailing or phoning or recording their voice, etc. (which I don’t think is very helpful for them to be that way, but there you are), so I am so happy you have Eileen and all her support.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow, Cora, what a special person Eileen is. Perhaps it is the expression on your face and your mannerisms that make her know you from anyone else. that is so cool! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s