Just got home from my apt with dr barry. It was a great appointment. We discussed so much but I will try to talk about some of the things we discussed here. First I told her about my severe anxiety and how it was through the roof lately. I also told her about my low mood and depression. She noted that I was disconnecting what was happening in my life right now from the anxiety and depression, like, I was compartmentalising things, and wasnt realising that it was all connected to the stress in my life right now. I never noticed I was doing that until she pointed it out to me. Then it was like, hey, yeah, Im doing it. It was a serious reality check for me. We talked about therapy on MOnday and I filled her in on the intense session wed had. Then we got on to talking about Monday and how it had effected me not seeing her. We talked for a long time about my emotional reaction to her not being able to see me. i told her I had gone home and cried for a whole hour and then gone to bed. I also told her I had blogged and wrote on my email group about it and had gotten lots of feedback from people. That I was not in a very adult place and had overreacted badly and was in a really emotional mindset. She appreciated how it had effected me but said that it was possible that the same senario could happen again. You see she is seeing me on Mondays outside of her clinic time, because my therapy is on MOndays also. so we talked about it and first of all I said we could go back to once a week appointments. She did say in the long term she would not be able to sustain twice weekly appointments. She said its kind of like a family, she has to think about all of her patients and their different needs. And while she really cares about me and about all of her patients that differenet people have very different needs at times. Right now I need twice weekly appointments and thats ok. But long term we wont be able to do that. I completely understand. I am grateful she is seeing me as often as she has been and i understand that for her to do that someone else has to lose out on seeing her. Anyway for now we are continuing our twice weekly appointments. We just changed the MOnday one around to the morning time before my therapy appointment so that the senario which happened last week wouldnt reoccur. She told me that really her week is timetabled out for her she has to do certain things at certain times be places etc at certain times. i completely understand her point of view. She has a large case load and is trying her best with the resources she has been given. We talked about her upcoming vacation. Shes off next week and she did offer that I could see the locum psychiatrist but I said I didnt want to do that. She asked me today if that was being fair to me because while she and Eileen are my two safe attachment figures and are consistently there for me, that really I should try to get to know some others on her team so that when she isnt available then I could see an alternative doctor. She said its something to think about and she encouraged me to reflect on it and think about it for the future. But for this vacation time I wont see anyone. We talked about respite and my pa hours and i told her Id called the respite place and theyd told me i was number 31 on the list right now and it probably wouldnt be this year that theyd get to me. She was shocked to hear that and said services for people with disabilitys have so many holes in them. She told me Karen her social worker had written another letter trying to figure out why I hadnt been granted the hours last time and once she finds out the reason we are going to appeal it. It was a lengthy appointment and I am exhausted after it. i really talked her ear off but she said that was fine. I dont se her now for 10 days. I hope in that time Ill be ok. Mom has tests to have like her biopsy and pet scan and well find out the results of those probably before I next see dr. Barry. I hope Ill be able to cope and manage without her support for that length of time.