therapy this week was hard. at first i couldnt talk. i literally sat there really dissociated. eileen kept telling me it is ok, you can just be here and be whatever way you are no pressure. no matter what we tried, i couldnt get words out. eventually we did some grounding exercises, deep breathing which i hate and am no good at, body awareness etc. eventually i was able to talk. i told her how difficult the break was for us. how we were craving contact, and even though we had some contact it felt like very little. she got it. she really got how difficult this was for us. we talked about some parts being resistant to coming to therapy. and eileen wanted to hear from the resistant parts. she wanted to explore this with us. so we did explore it. i told her some parts wanted to send her an email the other day, giving her an out. they wanted to tell her to quit now while she can, but i stopped them from sending that email. eileen said it was ok, and that if she had gotten an email like that she would have realised that parts were scared and feeling vulnerable. she said she doesnt want an out. she asked me if i was shocked by that, which yes I was. because why wouldnt she want an out? in the past when therapists and other professionals worked with us they were only too happy to have an out given to them. we were too much for them, to needy, to complex, just too much. eileen said she has never wanted an out, that she is in this for the long haul, she wants to walk this journey with us. we talked a little about mom. but i couldnt really let my emotions show. i was shutting them down. i think I was purposefully doing that. i told eileen next week we need to talk more about the break and how that was for us. she agreed that yes we do need to talk about that some more. if i hadnt been feeling so dissociative we could have gotten a lot more done i think. some sessions are just like that though, the dissociation is bad and its hard to work through that.