We are in the hospital

Its been a long night. We went in patient. It was a long process. Basically yesterday I started feeling very low, suicidal, and having psychotic symptoms. My ptsd flared up and I started startling really easily, having awful flashbacks, and generally being in a panicked state. I had gone to the basement club to try to distract myself. But as the day progressed I got worse. A friend normal called over at 5 for a while to try to be a support to me. Eventually at 6 PM i rang the hospital and asked to speak to the assessment nurse. she was busy so couldnt take my call but the nurse I spoke to told me to go to A and E and be seen. But I had Nitro, and there was no one to look after him. I had rang my mom and told her I needed to go see the doctor. She wasnt very sympathetic and said I was stressing her out and she didnt need the stress. She also said she couldnt take Nitro, that I’d have to make alternative arrangements. So then I rang the guide dogs, hoping they could do something for me. There is a case of kennel cough in the guide dogs kennels right now, but they gave me a number of a kennel that does a lot of work for them. They said if I put Nitro in there for the night, that someone from guide dogs would collect him in the morning and then one of their staff would bring him home and look after him while I was in the hospital. Of course at this point I didnt know whether or not I’d be going in. So i got a taxi and brought Nitro to the kennel. It was so hard to leave him there. He’s never been in kennels before and I was worried how he’d react. After taking him to kennels i went to A and E. I told the guy at reception that I wanted to see the psychiatrist on call. A nurse talked to me and then they rang for the assessment nurse to come down. She was really nice. Her name was Sinead. I’d never met her before. She took a really extensive history from me. I had to answer a lot of questions and that was hard. Most of them I’ve answered before but because she didnt know me I had to do it all over again. Then she said she’d get the doctor. Luckily the doctor on call was dr. wall. Dr. Wall used to be on dr. Barrys team and she’s really nice, she’s really easy to talk to. She came and talked to me and I told her what was going on with my mom, and my dad, and how stressed I felt, and how I’d been hearing voices all day telling me to kill myself, that I was worthless, no good, that people would be better off without me etc. The two voices I was hearig arent insiders voices, they are two male voices. Hearing those voices really triggered me. And made me agitated. Eventually dr. Wall said she’d talk to the consultant and she did and she came back and said they were admitting me. It was 1 AM when I went upstairs to the ward. I was exhausted. I knew the night nurse that was on duty, he r name is rebecca. She gave me my meds, and something to eat, she made me some toast. And eventually I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I’m glad to be in a safe place. I’m on the acute side of the ward right now. Thats the side of the ward where sicker people go but that was the only place where a bed was free. They might transfer me today over to the sub acute side. I dont mind if they dont though. I’m happy to stay on the acute side, its easier to navigate. My mom isnt too happy that I am in here. She’s barely speaking to me which is making me sad and I am worried about her but I need to look after me too, as rebecca told me last night. And my mom is never happy when I go in patient. She’d prefer I didnt go in to the hospital at all. Hoping to see dr. barry today but dont know if that will happen as she doesnt normally do a ward round on Friday. If I dont see her today I probably wont see her until tuesday. That will suck. Anyway just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me.

Author: Carol anne

I am in my mid 40's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

21 thoughts on “We are in the hospital”

  2. Sending you love and good wishes. Sorry you have to be in hospital but it sounds like you handled a really difficult situation really well and got yourself help. I’m very proud of you.
    I’m sorry your Mum is struggling with you being in hospital. I know it must hurt when she can’t be sympathetic. You are right; you must look after you. I know you are worrying about your Mum a lot and that’s understandable.
    Take good care of yourself, lovely. I love your blog posts and enjoy reading them. You are a courageous and lovely lady. Hope you’re feeling better soon xx

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      1. It’s all true, you know. I thought maybe it would help you to be reminded that it’s OK to put yourself first, that you are deserving of help and that you are doing a great job dealing with exceptionally difficult circumstances. Xx

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  4. its always hard to make the decision to go inpatient, but is something we need sometimes to get stable again. and if we want to do other things, like be there for friends and family, we have to take care of ourselves first. i think you did the right thing taking care of yourself and making the call to go to hospital. hope you feel better soon.

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  6. I’m really proud of you for having used your coping skills, one of which is to know when you need to make a decision that will help you. I think the hospital is the safest place for you to be in right now and I’m sorry your mom can’t see that. My father freaked out when I even told him I’d been treated for depression. He became very defensive and acted as if I was blaming him, which I really wasn’t. Hopefully now your PTSD symptoms will calm down and the rest of the system will feel safe. Hugs. xxxx

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  7. I am glad you are in a safe place. I know it wasn’t easy to go to the hospital. I am sorry your mom isn’t too happy about you being there. My Mother never is either, if that helps. I think it somehow translate to them not being good enough parents or something, like if you open up to them some how, it makes all the bad stuff go away. I wish it worked that way but you and I know that it doesn’t. Hope you aren’t there long.

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