WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE ANGER?

ITS LIZ. THERAPY TODAY WAS PAINFUL. HARD, AND PAINFUL. I PROCESSED A LOT. I WENT IN AND I TALKED ABOUT MY AVOIDANCE. BECAUSE, I’VE REALLY BEEN AVOIDING THINGS LATELY AND NOT WANTING TO GO TO THERAPY OR TALK ABOUT ANYTHING. I WAS SCARED TO TALK TO EILEEN BUT DR. BARRY ENCOURAGED ME TO TALK TO HER LAST WEEK AND AFTER SPENDING MUCH OF THE WEEK MAD AT EILEEN FOR NOT NOTICING MY AVOIDANCE AND BRINGING IT UP, I DECIDED THAT I’D BETTER TRY TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. I WAS SCARED AND I HAD A FEAR THAT SHE’D BE MAD AT ME AND SAY I WAS WASTING HER TIME AND THAT IF I DIDNT WANT TO GO TO THERAPY AND WORK ON THINGS THAT SHE’D GIVE MY SLOT TO SOMEONE ELSE. OF COURSE SHE DID NOT GET MAD. SHE WAS KIND, GENTLE, AND UNDERSTANDING. IT MADE ME ALMOST CRY. I TOLD HER I WAS FINDING IT HARD TO VERBALISE THINGS BUT THAT I HAD TO TALK TO HER. AND I SAID TO HER THAT I WAS AFRAID SHE WAS GOING TO BE MAD. HAVE I EVER BEEN MAD AT YOU? ME, NOOOO. HAVE WE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THINGS IN THE PAST? ME, YEAH. SO I WENT FOR IT AND I JUST BLURTED OUT HOW I FELT. BASICALLY THE REASON I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING IS I AM AFRAID. I AM AFRAID OF LOSING MY IDENTITY. MY JOB IN THE SYSTEM WAS ALWAYS TO HOLD ANGER. I AM THE ONE WHO ALWAYS PICKED UP THE PIECES AFTER ANY MESS WE GOT OURSELVES IN TO. I AM THE ONE PEOPLE WERE ALWAYS AFRAID OF. I REACT, NOT ACT. I WAS THE ONE ALWAYS PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY. ANGER IS HOW I COPE. ITS HOW I FUNCTION. WHO WOULD I BE WITH OUT IT? I DONT KNOW. AND THATS SCARES ME. EILEEN SAID ANGER HAS SERVED ME WELL. AND IT CAN BE POSITIVE AND ITS NOT ALWAYS NEGATIVE. SHE SAID ITS HOW I LEARNED TO SURVIVE. AND SHE’S RIGHT. IT IS ALWAYS ABOUT SURVIVAL. SHE SAID I DIDNT HAVE TO GET RID OF MY ANGER. WE WENT ON TO TALK MORE ABOUT THE ANGER. AND HOW IT HAS SERVED ME. AND HOW IT HAS HELPED US AS A SYSTEM. IT WAS A HARD SESSION BUT I AM SO GLAD I TALKED TO EILEEN AND TOLD HER HOW I AM FEELING. TALKING ABOUT THINGS GAVE ME PERSPECTIVE AND I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS NOW TO REFLECT ON. WE TALKED ABOUT OTHER THINGS AND I WILL WRITE SEPARATELY ABOUT THOSE. FOR NOW THOUGH IT IS ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT I DONT HAVE TO GIVE UP MY ANGER COMPLETELY. THAT MAYBE I CAN STILL BE ANGRY SOMETIMES AND THAT ANGER DOESNT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE A NEGATIVE EMOTIONS. ITS JUST THAT THE WAY I USED TO DEAL WITH THINGS IN THE PAST MADE IT THAT WAY.

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

2 thoughts on “WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THE ANGER?”

  1. It sounds like a really good session, Liz. I’ve found that positive anger is usually combined with love and compassion and a desire or determination to make things better. Negative anger is combined with hate and a desire for revenge and to get some sort of payback. Your positive anger can help the system because it will make things better than they were because you will care that they _are better.

    Liked by 1 person

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