I saw dr. barry today and we had a long chat. we mostly talked about therapy and my avoidance of therapy lately. she said she felt that there was definitely something going on, because, in the 3 years she’s known me i’ve never missed so much therapy as i have in the past 6 weeks. and she’s right. she said that she felt that the fact that we were making real progress in therapy is probably scaring a lot of us in the system. i think that theory is correct. lately in therapy we’ve been working on dealing with intense emotions. we’ve also been working with sitting with negative emotions. and its been super hard to do that. lots of times parts have wanted to run away, get up and run out the door on eileen. she encouraged me to talk to eileen about the avoidance. i said i’d try. eileen probably is aware of it anyway and she’s probably just waiting for me to say something. sometimes she does that, waits for me to bring up the discussion first. dr. barry kept telling me to give myself credit because i was doing all the right things in order to cope with my distress. i told her about the tough weekend i’d had and the sleeping all day on monday and the depression and suicidal urges. she said while i have distressing thoughts and feelings, that it is good i havent acted on them. only a couple of months ago i’d have acted on them, i’d have been impulsive and not given much thought to what i was about to do. i havent done any of the old behaviours in months now. i havent overdosed or self harmed in a really long time. she brought up again about dbt, and said maybe we’d look at me possibly doing the managing emotions group. she only mentioned it in passing though, we didnt discuss it at any length. she asked me about my coping strategies and i told her the things i’d done over the weekend to help me get through like reaching out to my blog friends, face timing my friend sarah, reading, sleeping, listening to music and watching tv. i told her how i’d done some things with family over the weekend, going to the food market and also going christmas shopping. i said how i looked so normal, and was able to function normally despite everything that was going on. she said i sounded totally bewildered by this and to be honest i am. i just dont get it how i am able to act so happy, so normal, and underneath all that my whole world is falling apart. i suppose that is my dissociation and did at play, allowing me to go on as normal in an unnaturally abnormal situation. i suppose i should be thankful for my did. someone inside is always able to pull it together when i cant. so thanks to whoever that was that did that. i really appreciate it. i told dr. barry about this month being hard because it was the month when my abuse was disclosed when i was a teenager. i always find december and the run up to christmas difficult due to having so many memories of disclosing. she was very understanding when i told her. she has put the weekend team in place this weekend again for extra support. i told her i’d had a good and positive experience with them last weekend, i told her how good una had been and how she had really got it and understood about my anxiety etc. she said una had worked in the prison as a mental health nurse in the past, and she was really good and understanding about mental health issues. she said she’d put on the referral for the weekend team to call me and if they need to they can come visit me. probably though a phone call will do. i’ll be at my parents this weekend as i normally am so i wont be alone. dr. barry is going to see me again on monday. i also see eileen on monday before i see dr. barry. i see them back to back which is going to be exhausting.