its a lot of work to try to fake it that i’m ok. i’m really not. i feel so sad. sad and worried. worried about my mom. it seems like there is just one problem after another with moms health these days. i worry what will happen to me if anything happens to my mom especially. i’m closer to mom than i am to my dad. i depend on her to some extent. no she doesnt do absolutely everything for me but she does a lot. i only get six pa hours a week, and thats not a lot. my mom takes me places, comes to appointments with me, does housework, cuts my grass, helps me cook etc. she also helps me with other things. like for example yesterday when i wasnt coping she washed my hair for me. she knew if she didnt do it that i wouldnt so she was just like ok i’m going to do it so go in the bathroom. when i am emotionally struggling she is there, even if she doesnt always know what to do. she is there. and although she hasnt always been a good mom to me we’ve had our struggles she is human and i forgive her and i am willing to put everything behind us now because i value our relationship that we have now. the other night we were really suicidal and i called her. and she really surprised me. she was there for me and she basically got me through a tough night. i followed her instructions, yes, i was that bad and non functional that she literally had to tell me what to do, what to watch on tv, what to drink, to prepare a drink, etc. she even told me to call her back before she went to bed so she could check on me. she was really there for me. dr. barry said on wednesday that she was glad i was reaching out to my mom for support. Because its not something i would normally do. i took a risk the other night and it payed off. and now my mom might have a serious illness, and she might be really sick. and i might even lose her and i know i might not but the worry overrides everything. to my friends who arent reading the blog i wrote earlier in the week about mom having gone back to the doctor and how they said the middle part of her lung has collapsed and how it might be a sign of serious damage, or something more sinister such as cancer. i’m a nervous wreck. but i’m trying to be strong for her, and for my sister. my sister is younger than me and very sensitive and she really is clueless about a lot of things, like she is untouched by a lot and is not wise about a lot of things. in many ways she is very innocent and has been sheltered so much of her life. where as i havent been as everyone knows. i’ve had to survive. i’m had to cope with what has been thrown at me. and i suppose i have to some extent. but i’m not ready to cope with this. i’m not ready to lose my mom yet. i’m just thinking about it all tonight. am anxious and worrying about it all. could use some support if anyones around.