i’m not very well today. mentally. i feel very suicidal. not really sure why that is. other than i had a rough night last night. i did not sleep good. had horrible horrific nightmares. they really scared me. i even dreamed about this girl who i went to school with who died of some rare brain disorder, i dreamed i was at her funeral. weird. very unsettling. i decided to go to my parents for safetys sake. just in case i got impulsive or any other insider did and took a bunch of pills. speaking of pills, the pharmacy really fucked up my meds. my mom went to pick up my injection and they said they were out of it, so now that means i’ll have to pick it up on tuesday, when i go to pick everything else for the month up. well my meds are all screwy anyway it started with my doctors surgery. they said i did not order any prescriptions since july. but thats not true. i’ve changed meds a few times since then. started prozac and naltrexone. so of course i had ordered meds. they are lying. the girl on the front desk got all snooty and said she had proof and could print off my last order. well she can go fuck herself because i have proof too in that i can ask the pharmacy to check. so what i did was made an apt to see my gp on tuesday morning. to straighten everything out. its a nuisance to have to go down there for no other reason than to straighten out medications. but at least he’ll do it right and then my prescription will be fixed and all will be good. but it means I cant go grocery shopping then like I had planned. my PA kristen will be taking me there. She only has two hours in which to do it. its not the only thing i have to do on tuesday. i need to go to the police station to get a form stamped and signed, its the form for my disabled parking pass. thats kinda stressing me out as well. i dont like having to go to a police station even if its only to do this one small thing. i feel triggered just having to meet with an officer. so yeah, trigger central lately. also my stomach is very sore. there are more small abscesses coming out on it. they are red and raw and very painful. i put medicated powder on them after my bath this morning. thats all i can really do, but i might just ask my gp on tuesday for an antibiotic to see if that will help them. my mom is sick too right now. she has COPD and she got a nasty chest infection. She went to the doctors yesterday and he gave her steroids and an antibiotic and he told her once this infection clears she needs to go back and have a lung function test and some other test not sure of the name, and a chest x-ray also. i feel bad that i am not feeling good like i thought i would be so that i could let certain young insiders out to watch cartoons do art and play. they can come out but they really dont want to because they know I’m not feeling great. i hate that the way i feel effects them so much. they really need to just be able to be kids. they are sad and fearful and traumatised though. their security has been compramised in me not feeling good. i think i’ll just go veg out in front of the tv for the rest of the afternoon and i might read my book also. distraction always helps me feel better.