so we just had our phone check in with our therapist. that went well. an insider who i am not very familiar with was talking with eileen. her name is ash. she is a dark insider. apparently, she was not liking the fact that i asked for my records from former therapists. it triggered her. she told eileen she felt upset and like i didnt ask anyone in the system, i just impulsively sent the emails. which is true i guess. i didnt ask anyones opinion on the matter. i suppose that was wrong of me. but sometimes i have to make an executive decision. ok it might not always be the right one but i try my best. anyway. she is triggered now and stressed and she doesnt want contact from former therapists. so i have agreed that over the next few days if either of the therapists reply to my email that I wont reply back to them. that seemed to calm her down. she had told eileen she felt tears in the back of her eyes, and she also felt like she had been punched in the stomach. eileen thought she sounded angry but she said she wasnt. she said she felt disconnected from eileen and she didnt like it. she was thinking eileen would have a bad reaction to hearing that I asked for my records from former therapists. eileen said no, that she was just interested in why now? what did i want them for? we talked about it and she said she had the feeling that I was trying to deal with the aftermath of halloween by being reactive and bringing up something else to occupy my mind, in the doing of this asking for records that this was occupying my mind and so keeping me from feeling other feelings that are surfacing. i think she is right. but ihadnt thought of it until she said it to me. i told eileen that i was going to spend this weekend having some me time, and letting insiders spend time doing the things they love. eileen said that was a very good idea. she said my nervous system needs time to process that halloween is over and we got through it and we are ok and it is ok to be ok. i told her i have a very hard time sitting with the okayness feelings. they scare me. i want to run from them. i dont want to notice my body or be present and mindful of it. i’m just not there yet. not able to do that. she told me to be gentle with myself, so i am going to try. at first ash didnt want to give eileen her name. however eventually she did after about 20 minutes. she said she was scared of anyone knowing he r name, that she always feels she needs to just hide. but she did give her name and she is going to talk to eileen on monday. and so am i. we have a lot to talk about i think.