therapy session. working with memories and hard emotions

hi its liz. i had our entire therapy session this week. and oh man it was hard going!
we talked about a lot of hard emotions. and i had a really hard time being present in my body. eileen kept telling me to notice my body. and i kept not being able to do it. she kept asking me if there was a part of my body that felt ok, i said my feet but then i wasnt able to tell her why they felt ok, what i noticed about them being ok etc. at one point she said to me its ok, we have time. for some reason that angered me. i got really defensive and angry with her. i asked her why she’d said that, told her it had bothered me. it felt invalidating. like she put her therapist hat on and i didnt want her to do that. i wanted her to be real. i told her that and she apologised. i also told her that a part of me felt fearful of saying that to her. like that maybe i shouldnt say it, maybe i should keep it to myself for fear of disappointing her or making her mad. but then i said that i dont feel like i can hold back. that if i hold back then our relationship isnt real. and she agreed.
after talking about that for a while we went back to noticing my body. and noticing the anxiety that was popping up. it felt awful. my heart was pounding. my head felt weird. i felt dizzy. i felt clammy. i just felt horrible. she asked me to notice a part of my body that felt ok, and breathe into that. so i did. i noticed my legs and feet. and i breathe in and she did it too. and on the out breath i felt stronger. like on the in breath i was pushing my strength down to my legs and feet. it was kinda cool.
after doing that for a few minutes we started talking about memories. and i got all anxious again. and eileen kept telling me its over and do i know its over. a little part of me about 8 or 9 surfaced. and cried. and was scared of halloween. eileen kept telling her that halloween shouldnt be scary, but that all those years ago she had to do awful things during halloween so she knows how scared of it she is now. then she asked me if i could make time for this little part of me this week. if i could take charge of her and make halloween fun for her. we’re going away on halloween for a few days. we’re going to a hotel and there is a kids party and we’re going to dress up and paint our faces and stuff. this little part of me asked if she can be elsa from frozen. and if she can have candy. i said of course she can. so i’m going to make this weekend special for her. she doesnt have to keep remembering bad things. maybe if she has some fun this weekend halloween will look different for her in the future. i hope so.
eileen showed me this thing i could do with my hands. when i am anxious i face my palms downwards, and when I am open to recieving some info about the memories i face them upwards. i said i couldnt turn them all the way upwards. so she said do it at my own pace. if i can only do it a little bit then that is ok. i can gage it and go at my own pace. so that is what i did. she said its kinda like turning the volume up a little bit. we’ve done things like that before where we turn up or down the volume on memories, like turning down or up the intensity of them.
it was a good session. i felt much better after it.
liz

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “therapy session. working with memories and hard emotions”

  1. Hi Liz. Wow, it sounds like you did some really hard work in your therapy session. Trying to be present in your body and talking about things you were scared about and scared of saying, and talking about why little Liz is scared.
    I hope that you and little Liz have fun at the party this weekend when you go away. Little Liz will be beautiful as Elsa! I like Frozen too.
    That’s really interesting about turning your hands around to turn the volume up or down on memories. Do you find that works well? I have scary memories from abuse when I was little and I’m trying to learn ways to get through them and stay grounded in the present time.
    Ginny xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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