its me emily. i wanted to write for a minute. to say that yesterday i had time in therapy with eileen. i was so nervous. you see, back when we had our last therapist joan, i used to talk to her all the time. i was very active in therapy. but back then i was also very suicidal all of the time. i would try to overdose a lot. and one day joan gave me an ultimatum. she said that i had to stop trying to commit suicide. and if i didnt then she would stop seeing me. that scared me. i knew i couldnt just stop. so instead i stopped going to therapy. i stopped talking to her. i went inside and did not go to therapy any more. until yesterday. i’d been watching eileen for a while. i thought she is kind and caring and she has helped other insiders. and maybe, maybe she can help me too. liz had talked to me and she said i should give eileen a chance. that she did and she didnt hurt her. so i gave her a chance yesterday. i was scared she was going to lecture me. about not eating, about wanting to die, about everything. but she didnt. she understood why i was doing the things i was doing. she said actually that she agreed with it because when you cant manage, then you do things that make you feel better, and she knows that thats what i’ve been doing. i’ve been managing the unmanagable. i was so relieved that she understood. we talked about the job that carol anne has applied for. i told her i was worried in case carol anne or the other adults would become unstable and then it would fall to me to run the system because I am the centre of the system. she asked me about that. how that works. so i told her about how i was the first insider who was created after shirley. and how it was me who called everyone else into being. I told her about how I, too have my own set of insiders. but no one else does. only me. i told her how my set of insiders are in circles, five circles inside with me in the middle and then the circles go out from there. she drew a diagram of it. to help her see things more clearly. she asked me if I’ve always been 12 and I told her no that I had grown with the body until age 9 and then stayed there for a while but when the body was 11 and the abuse intensified I aged up again to 12 and I’ve stuck there ever since. I told her I’d like my job to change. I dont like having everyone answering to me. She asked the bigs to come sit by me and listen to me and she asked them if they realised that its been 24 years since our body was 12, that the rules have been this way since then, but did they know the rules can change? I think it was a huge shock to the bigs in the system. They were all like wow! I talked a little to Eileen about food and why I try to control everything about food and eating and calories and weight. She said to me but it isnt even really about the food is it emily? and i was like noooo, i guess not. its much bigger than that. she said we arent done with all this and we will come back to it next week. i’m just glad i gave her a chance and decided to talk to her. i felt much better leaving and much calmer too.