Killing myself to live

They looked me over with critical eyes
Just staring at my body, and reading my inner mind
And I nodded my head, saying that I understood
This freedom was coming to me because I’d been eating good
And I swore to myself that from then on things would be grand
Even though I now realise that not all things go as planned
But I started out just the way they said I should
And all the way through I kept telling myself that I could
That I could be normal and beautiful too
That I had the will to ignore other peoples views
And I felt so proud of myself
For being myself and not having to hide
I knew that I didnt need anything
For all that I needed was already inside
The weeks did pass as my heart grew and I ate
Finally, I was on the right path
And not a moment too late
Although I was happy, it seemed to me that others were not
They didnt like the way I’d come to be
Or all the things I’d been taught
I didnt understand all the hatred
I just did as I was told

Still it made no difference
People were still so very cold
All this made me speculate about the things I’d gone through
Was I ready once more to break something I promised myself never to do?
But I took on the weeks, the months and the years
Shedding all the pounds and hiding all the tears
As I cut down on the food or just went without
I could feel myself slipping further into my inner self
I strived for perfection in body and in mind
I had to look to find it, all was scrutinized
And therefore I became smaller even to myself and my world
And the sad reminence of my former life around me swirled
While people noticed the difference, although I couldnt care
Because I knew they no longer had a reason to be cold and to stare
And I was way past the point of listening to a plea
For I had created my own perfection although it was never good enough for me
But still it went on, it ate away at my soul
I was to look for something to stand on, some kind of goal
Because after much tears and thoughts of eternity
I realised this just wasnt who I was meant to be
Whether people are happy, angry or mad
I cant take it any more
I cant be sad
And I cant take the ripping as my body is torn in two
I dont want the judging or so many others view
Instead I looked for my weaknesses and the parts of me just waiting to give
And it was then that I relised
I’m killing myself to live

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

2 thoughts on “Killing myself to live”

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