so we had therapy today. and we spent the majority of th session talking about the rupture we had yesterday with dr. barry. recently in therapy we talked about our symptoms increasing and this likely happening because parts are afraid of improving, of getting better and of losing support from eileen. so when we talked about why parts wanted to be hospitalised it came about that its because they want dr. barry to take care of them. decide everything and look after them. take charge. then we somehow got on to the topic of moms and how some of the younger parts see dr. barry as a mother figure. but how she is not our bio mom and will never be. that was hard for us to admit. she is so different from our bio mom in so many ways. but the children in the system keep wishing she was their mom. just like they wish the same about eileen. yesterday when we had the rupture we felt anger towards her for saying things which we found difficult to hear. but at the same time there was this child like part of us that spontaneously hjust wanted to reach out and hug her. we wanted her to say hey i am not mad at you and i wont leave and it is ok we can work this out. i didnt think much about it at the time it happened but today when we talked in therapy about it all things clicked into place. we worked with a very young part about 4 or 5 and eileen told me to tell her that i would work it out with dr. barry and that she didnt have to worry about it that i carol anne would take care of it. and that is what i am going to do. it was a good therapy session. we felt very drained afterwords and came home and slept for 2 hours. i noticed something else though. this is the first time we’ve really had a rupture in our relationship with dr. barry. this is the first time too that I’ve shown any emotion full on crying in front of her. its a huge step forward i think that i was able to be so vulnerable in front of her. eileen thinks some parts are afraid to go further and put their trust in her even more than we have already done. i agree i think that is half the issue that is going on right now. its going to work out though i just know it will. i’ll make sure of it.