TRIGGER WARNING THIS CONTAINS REFERENCES TO RITUAL ABUSE AND TORTURE PLEASE BE MINDFUL OF THAT IF YOU KEEP READING ON.
NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT SO WE CAN HOPEFULLY MANAGE TO GET SOME SLEEP RIGHT NOW MEMORIES ARE PLAGUING US AND EVERYTHING IS BECOMING SURREAL AND VERY OVERWHELMING.
I just had a really bad flashback. Sitting in a dark cold room, looking out the window, straining to see but all I saw was a camera. Pointing, tormenting, watching my every move. Every twitching muscle, every falling hair, every breath, every blink. Watching for the shots that would make them money. Beaten, broken, and bleeding on the floor they would touch, torment, tease and hurt with the camera there to watch every action, capture every scream. Sometimes there was drugs, sometimes not. Given by an injection. But always there was pain, scaredness, terror. It took them 3 days to make the film. What are they called? Pornographic films? Tied to a table, chained to a bed, instraments, animals, and men…masks, they wore masks but I still knew them, even though I couldnt see their faces. I lost everything when they did those things, my innocence, my dignity, my childhood, my freedom, my body, my mind, everything. I feel useless, worthless, unimportant, no good, ugly. I wish I could die this second. These memories are so hard to handle. The camera caught all of what they did to me. I had to scream though that wasnt hard but I also had to act because if I didnt they would hurt me more. Animals, they had animals rape me too for this film. 16 years old, nothing to look at. No one even knew I was missing for those days, no one cared what happened to me. I was left to die and now I wish I had. Why did I survive? I didnt die, why not? Why didnt they keep going? Why? I hurt so badly, I just want to die. I dont want this pain any more. I cant take it. I feel too weak now. Doubting myself, doubting others. Insane and crazy, my head is spinning with thoughts. Horrible ugly thoughts. I feel alone, rejected, unloved, worthless. Nobody cares, I’m just not worth the trouble. I’m too bad, too ugly and I scare everyone away, I’m too much, everyone runs when they find out my truth. I want to disappear or die. I just want the hurt to stop, please make it stop. Forever.