TRIGGER WARNING FLASHBACK I JUST NEEDED TO WRITE IT OUT

TRIGGER WARNING THIS CONTAINS REFERENCES TO RITUAL ABUSE AND TORTURE PLEASE BE MINDFUL OF THAT IF YOU KEEP READING ON.
NEEDED TO GET THIS OUT SO WE CAN HOPEFULLY MANAGE TO GET SOME SLEEP RIGHT NOW MEMORIES ARE PLAGUING US AND EVERYTHING IS BECOMING SURREAL AND VERY OVERWHELMING.
******

I just had a really bad flashback. Sitting in a dark cold room, looking out the window, straining to see but all I saw was a camera. Pointing, tormenting, watching my every move. Every twitching muscle, every falling hair, every breath, every blink. Watching for the shots that would make them money. Beaten, broken, and bleeding on the floor they would touch, torment, tease and hurt with the camera there to watch every action, capture every scream. Sometimes there was drugs, sometimes not. Given by an injection. But always there was pain, scaredness, terror. It took them 3 days to make the film. What are they called? Pornographic films? Tied to a table, chained to a bed, instraments, animals, and men…masks, they wore masks but I still knew them, even though I couldnt see their faces. I lost everything when they did those things, my innocence, my dignity, my childhood, my freedom, my body, my mind, everything. I feel useless, worthless, unimportant, no good, ugly. I wish I could die this second. These memories are so hard to handle. The camera caught all of what they did to me. I had to scream though that wasnt hard but I also had to act because if I didnt they would hurt me more. Animals, they had animals rape me too for this film. 16 years old, nothing to look at. No one even knew I was missing for those days, no one cared what happened to me. I was left to die and now I wish I had. Why did I survive? I didnt die, why not? Why didnt they keep going? Why? I hurt so badly, I just want to die. I dont want this pain any more. I cant take it. I feel too weak now. Doubting myself, doubting others. Insane and crazy, my head is spinning with thoughts. Horrible ugly thoughts. I feel alone, rejected, unloved, worthless. Nobody cares, I’m just not worth the trouble. I’m too bad, too ugly and I scare everyone away, I’m too much, everyone runs when they find out my truth. I want to disappear or die. I just want the hurt to stop, please make it stop. Forever.

 

 

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Author: manyofus1980

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

14 thoughts on “TRIGGER WARNING FLASHBACK I JUST NEEDED TO WRITE IT OUT”

  1. *hugs* you are incredibly brave for posting. You are worthy of love , you are worthy of care. I’m sorry that you were abused so badly and you felt so alone. You are not alone anymore. You have your support system and your blog. I love you , I care about you , you have been a good friend to me over the last year and I am truly grateful to know you.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Sweetheart you are so worthy and a good person. What those people did to you was very bad, they are bad and will be held accountable from God some day. But God loves you and hates what happened to you. I know flashbacks are very real sometimes, but remember you are safe now and you are loved. I wish I could be there to comfort you, but am sending you healing hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Ava your hugs are appreciated. I hope someday they will be held accountable but I don’t hold out much hope. I’m glad to have you as my friend. Thank you for always supporting me and commenting to my posts. XX

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I see you. You are someone that is worth being listened to and heard and respected. I am sure these words were so so hard to write. it is beyond horrific and repulsive what was done to you. I am so so sorry that you had to live through that horror. You are here because you are important. You are telling the truths of what can happen if no one notices, stops, saves. Hoping that getting it out helps you be able to rest.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I haven’t been over here much lately, but I have been thinking of you. I am sad that you still have those memories.I know that when those demons come before God, He will NOT show them mercy.
    PTSD is a bitch. You, my dear, are a Princess Warrior. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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