therapy-processing patterns in relationships

so i mentioned that in therapy i came to some painful realisations. we discussed my ongoing relationship issues. long story short, i am in a long distance relationship with my partner who lives in a psychiatric residential facility in illinois. i’ve known my partner for 15 years and we’ve been going out for 10 of those years. its complicated by the fact we both have did. and we both are abuse survivors. basically in therapy this week i came to the realisation that in this relationship i am the caretaker. and my needs arent being met. its all about my partner and what she needs. and it has been for a long time. eileen said i was acting like her parent, and that it was more of a parent child relationship dynamic instead of an adult to adult relationship. i know she’s right. it doesnt stop me feeling sad or guilty though. i told eileen that i had mentioned to my partner on saturday when we talked on the phone that i really needed to talk to her about our relationship. thats hard because we dont have any privacy when we’re on the phone. so we settled on writing a letter to each other. i am nervous to see what she’s going to put in her letter. she said to me that she hoped i was talking to eileen about things. and i have been. the fact that she is aware enough to say that means she does have some level of awareness of how things are effecting me. which is good i suppose. i really need to look more at my patterns in relationships though. because even in other relationships, with family, and other close friends, i tend to be a care taker. i tend to overlook my own needs and wants. i tend to make the relationship all about the other person. its not surprising that i would do this. i had no good role model growing up. i have a pretty disfunctional family. they have very inappropriate emotional responses. its either denial, anger outbursts, or other behaviours that are not good like abusing alcohol which my dad does, avoiding conflict which my mom does etc. i suppose the fact that i am working in therapy on these issues is a huge step. coming to the realisation yesterday really made me think. i dont want the relationship with my partner to end, but i dont want things to stay as they are either. however she is really not in a position to offer a lot as far as relationships go right now. her circumstances just dont allow her to be available in the ways i want her to be or need her to be. so what to do. i suppose both of us writing to one another and being honest and open and putting our true feelings down on paper about the relationship is a good start.

Author: Carol anne

I am in my mid 40's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland. View all posts by Carol anne