Hurting

I’ve been thinking about dr. Barry and the conversation we had yesterday around attachment and our relationship. And it hurts every time I think of it. I feel like she is going to abandon me. Reject me. I feel like because she wants to push our appointments out from weekly to every 10 days or every 2 weeks that my whole world is falling apart. I know this seems stupid. But I just, I dont know. It just feels like a big blow. She said yesterday that we need to get more secure in our attachment. That right now I am not feeling secure in the attachment. That every time she is not there I find it difficult to cope and I crash hard. Thats true. Every time I see her I try to remember things she’s said in the conversation, so that I can keep the connection to her when we end our session. And more often than not I’m not able to remember and I lose that connection. and I am scared. I am scared she is going to end our relationship. I am scared of losing her. I am scared because it took me so long to build up this connection and my attachment to her. And what if it was all for nothing. What if I am just fucked up and I cant keep an attachment to anyone. And what if I am too crazy and she has had enough? What if she thinks I am too much and too needy? I am just scared. I want to run to her and hug her and never let go. I want to tell her please dont leave me, i need you. I want to say I love you and trust you and dont ever want to let you go. Why am I so fucked up? Why am i inherently bad? Why am I so complex? It hurts. I hurt. Dr. Barry is the first psychiatrist to truly get me and get my did diagnosis. And i dont want to lose that. I couldnt cope if I did.

Author: Carol anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

23 thoughts on “Hurting”

  1. I have BPD and DID, and totally get your feelings around attachment to particular mental health professionals who you click with. I’m just the same so I fully relate. That said with the psychologist I’m working with now I am managing to have a more secure attachment (for the first time EVER!!) I’ve been in treatment four-years now and I’m beginning to finally show signs of progress. It’s a long road but I promise you it will not continue to hurt as bad in the future as it hurts now. Hugs from me (and all of us, we understand) πŸ’™πŸ’™ B.E x

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I understand how scary it is to feel like you connect with some one and then are so afraid you are going to lose that person that you feel the way you do. I wonder what it is that makes you feel so secure with Dr Barry? that security is found within you and it is good you have discovered you are able to make a secure attachment. I am sure in time -you will prove to yourself you can make even healthier attachments with other people in your life. At least this is what I hope for you. You have it within you to trust again. xxx hugs to you πŸ™‚

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Having just lost my therapist whom I had grown attached to. I understand that feeling. This one now is not the same, but I hope to grow to get the same feelings as the old one. She really helped me. The thing is that we need to grow to the point that we don’t need them that strongly. It is not mentally healthy to be so attached to our therapists in the long run. The idea is to get us to the point of being able to function without total dependence on them. Hope that makes sense.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I do understand where she is coming from. It’s not a healthy attachment because she is a professional. But hopefully this attatchment will help you trust and form real attatchments to people with whom you can have proper relationships with. It’s scary but it’s a good thing she’s doing. She knows best how to deal with it. Trust her! X

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The fact that these feelings are coming up for you means that you are making progress. It’s huge that you can recognize that you have these feeling and can discuss them with her. I’ve been seeing my therapist since 2011 and I’m only now beginning to feel an attachment. It can take many years for the treatment of DID to result in a successful outcome.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. i don’t really get how you are supposed to work on secure attachment but not see her as much? Seems a little opposite to me? Any change is really tough and is going to bring up a lot of fears which makes things harder. I think she does care and isn’t going to just toss you out

    Liked by 1 person

Talk to me! I love comments!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.