I’ve been thinking about dr. Barry and the conversation we had yesterday around attachment and our relationship. And it hurts every time I think of it. I feel like she is going to abandon me. Reject me. I feel like because she wants to push our appointments out from weekly to every 10 days or every 2 weeks that my whole world is falling apart. I know this seems stupid. But I just, I dont know. It just feels like a big blow. She said yesterday that we need to get more secure in our attachment. That right now I am not feeling secure in the attachment. That every time she is not there I find it difficult to cope and I crash hard. Thats true. Every time I see her I try to remember things she’s said in the conversation, so that I can keep the connection to her when we end our session. And more often than not I’m not able to remember and I lose that connection. and I am scared. I am scared she is going to end our relationship. I am scared of losing her. I am scared because it took me so long to build up this connection and my attachment to her. And what if it was all for nothing. What if I am just fucked up and I cant keep an attachment to anyone. And what if I am too crazy and she has had enough? What if she thinks I am too much and too needy? I am just scared. I want to run to her and hug her and never let go. I want to tell her please dont leave me, i need you. I want to say I love you and trust you and dont ever want to let you go. Why am I so fucked up? Why am i inherently bad? Why am I so complex? It hurts. I hurt. Dr. Barry is the first psychiatrist to truly get me and get my did diagnosis. And i dont want to lose that. I couldnt cope if I did.