INTENSE THERAPY SESSION AND FOLLOW UP

YESTERDAY I HAD THEARPY TIME. THAT WAS VERY INTENSE. I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE, I DIDNT WANT TO TALK, I DIDNT WANT TO DO THERAPY AT ALL. BUT I WAS NOMINATED TO BE THE SPOKESPERSON FOR THE DARK INSIDERS, SO I ENDED UP TALKING A WHOLE LOT. FIRST OF ALL I TALKED ABOUT A PAST ABUSER, HE HAD THREATENED ME, ON THE PHONE. HE TOLD ME I SHOULDNT TALK TO EILEEN, I SHOULDNT DISCLOSE ANY INFO AT ALL. I FELT LIKE I WAS DOING WRONG IN OPENING UP. LIKE I WAS GOING TO BE PUNISHED FOR IT. AND HE COULD GET TO ME, HE COULD DO SOMETHING TERRIBLE IF HE FOUND OUT I WAS SPEAKING ABOUT MY PAST. LOTS OF MY SYSTEM INSIDE WERE SCARED, THEY FELT LIKE WE COULD BE HURT LIKE WE WERE 2 YEARS AGO WHEN WE WERE ASSAULTED. THERE ARE INSIDERS WHO REPORT BACK TO ABUSERS, ITS PART OF THE RITUAL ABUSE. THEY TELL THEM WHAT WE’RE UP TO, WHATS GOING ON IN THERAPY ETC. ITS HARD TO BREAK THAT PATTERN, THEY FEEL LOYAL TO THE ABUSERS, HELL I USED TO FEEL LIKE THAT, SOMETIMES I STILL DO. AFTER TALKING SOME MORE ABOUT ALL THAT, I STARTED TO FEEL REALLY YOUNG, SO ME AND EILEEN WORKED WITH THE EMOTIONS OF THE YOUNG PART THAT WAS SURFACING. SHE WAS ABOUT 5, SHE FELT SAD, AND SHE JUST WANTED EILEEN. SHE NEEDED HER REASSURANCES AND LOVE. SHE STARTED TO FLOOD ME. I DID MY BEST BUT I STARTED TO GET FLOATY, AND DISORIENTATED. EILEEN WORKED TO SOOTHE THE PART, WE DIDNT HAVE HER NAME. BUT WE JUST KNEW SHE NEEDED TO BE HEARD. EILEEN HAD ME PLACE A HAND ON MY STOMACH AND ONE ON MY HEART, AND TRY TO FUNNEL MY WARMTH AND PROTECTION DOWN TO HER, BECAUSE SHE HAD ASKED ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS THIS PART AND I SAID PROTECTIVE. IT KIND OF WORKED BUT I KEPT GETTING OVERWHELMED. EVENTUALLY EILEEN HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM WITH HER TO GROUND ME BACK TO THE PRESENT. THAT WAS HELPFUL. WE ALSO DRANK A GLASS OF WATER EACH TOO WHICH HELPED, THE COLDNESS OF THE WATER HELPED. I LEFT OK BUT THIS MORNING I GOT TRIGGERED INTO THAT VERY YOUNG PART AGAIN AND COULDNT GET OUT OF THE TRAUMATISED STATE SO ENDED UP PHONING EILEEN AND WE MADE A ROOM INSIDE WHERE THAT PART COULD BE CONTRAINED. EILEEN SAID SHE DOESNT HAVE TO BE ON HER OWN IN THE ROOM, I OR SOMEONE ELSE INSIDE COULD GO IN AND COMFORT HER BUT THAT WE SHOULD TRY TO KEEP HER CONTAINED UNTIL WE ARE ABLE TO WORK MORE WITH HER IN SESSION AGAIN. THAT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA TO ME.
[WENDY



Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

7 thoughts on “INTENSE THERAPY SESSION AND FOLLOW UP”

  1. aaaw you are so brave. Therapy is a bit of a double edged sword. You seem to be working hard and your therapist has great ideas. Who wants to talk about stuff that terrifies us? but you did it- it may not feel like you have done much but you have. I’m rooting for you all the way xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve seen your name and blog circling through my internet world for a while. I decided to finally make the jump and read one of your posts. After reading your “About” section where you mentioned your DID, I became very interested. (I should also look into getting a nutritionist) I have had depression for most of my life, but I was only recently diagnosed with PTSD and I tend to disocociate a few times a week, too. I guess I have always known something was different, but I never thought it had a name until the diagnosis. Reading this post brought tears to my eyes. I read a shared experience. I must always carry ammonium salts and toys to help keep me grounded (but sometimes they don’t work. I know I’m in deep trouble and need to quickly find a nurse when the concentrated ammonium only smells like windex!). Sometimes during individual therapy, my therapist will have me play various games and describe things in her office to help me stay present and grounded. Disociation, other people/parts and trauma responses are things I have never really been able to explain to other people. But every sentence that you wrote hit me again and again. “Yes yes yes! That’s it!” I’m new to this diagnosis and treatment so I hope to learn/share much from your blog. I’m confused about what to do and how to think about all of this. Thank you for sharing so openly and freely. I know that it is not easy and there are parts of us that fight against such openess. From a PSTD and disociation treatment newbie (and co.), “Thank you!” *big smile*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting, I’m so glad sharing my experiences has helped you to feel not so alone, when I started blogging that was my main goal, to help others know and feel that they’re not alone, thanks again for following, I hope we can become good blog buddies 😗😘

      Liked by 1 person

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